Violet Notebook

2011 vs now

2012-01-29T14:56:00.002+10:00

I found my 2011 diary, which had these goals written on the first page:

- Get a permanent job - FAIL, but only because I decided to keep chasing self-employment
- Get my weight down - FAIL
- Pay off my credit card and drop the limit - FAIL
- Get some savings - FAIL
- Do the 10km Bridge to Brisbane - FAIL
- Give up drinking Coke, again - FAIL
- Practice nails and advertise my business - DONE, but business is still super slow
- Have a professional photo session - DONE
- Declutter the house - DONE, but then it built up again, so FAIL

Interesting...

Tense

2012-01-21T20:20:00.000+10:00

I've been tossing up whether or not to just quit blogging. For awhile now, I haven't felt that I have anything worth contributing to the blogosphere. Or anywhere, really.

I'm not one of those vintage/indie/crafty bloggers that seem to be everywhere. I don't have kids. I don't travel. I don't do much of anything, really.

My life's not that exciting. I'm just a girl, living with her guy and their dog, struggling to start a sole-trader business and keep the wolves from the door.

A girl who takes a plethora of medications to keep her blood pressure down while the public health system crawls along, scheduling month after month of tests before setting a diagnosis in stone. Waiting for some answers, and hopefully a permanent solution.

When shit goes wrong, people can say "at least I have my health".

I can't. Not now, and not for who knows how long...

My life. Not that exciting.

New.

2012-01-01T17:37:00.002+10:00

New year.

New blog background.

New profile picture.

New attempts.

New energy? Not yet.

Here I am, attemping to try and make something of my blog again.

It'll be interesting to see what happens over the course of the next 12 months. I hope 2012 is a lot nicer to me than 2011 was.

2011 review... blah.

2011-12-28T11:19:00.000+10:00

I just spent an hour doing the annual yearly recap.

Blogger ate it.

Story of my year, really.

Will try again later when I don't want to throw my computer out the window and jump out after it.

Death to 2011

2011-12-28T10:09:00.004+10:00

I don't really want to talk about 2011 any more. Let's consider this the last time I'll ever mention it, okay?

Last year's review is here.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
A few things!
- Got my first tattoo
- Became self-employed, but not yet totally self-sufficient
- Learnt how to do eyelash extensions/eyelash grafting
- Had a stay in hospital

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I can't remember if I made any resolutions... so FAIL. I need to start taking better care of myself, so I'll be focusing on that from now on. I also need to stop swearing. It's not ladylike.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I know quite a few people who had babies this year... lots more due early next year, too.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? One year, I'm going to shock the internet and say YES. But not this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? Enough money to not have a panic attack every time a bill arrives. And fully functioning kidneys would be nice!

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- January to March. Dad was diagnosed with an aggressive viral cancer and had treatment which wasn't expected to work...
- August. The unexpected diagnosis of my high blood pressure and trying to find a cause.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Staying alive and somewhat sane? Let's go with that.

9. What was your biggest failure?
- Still trying to see the good in certain people, even when they're not showing you reason to.
- Giving up going to the gym because I was "too stressed". I used Dad's cancer as an excuse to further neglect myself. I mightn't be as sick as I am now if I'd persisted. So... bandwagon, I'm making a comeback!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I have a 95% confirmed case of fibromuscular dysplasia, where at least one of my renal arteries has some wave-like growths, narrowing the artery and causing high blood pressure due to my kidneys not getting enough blood... So think back pain, migraines, dizziness, loss of balance, heart palpitations, shaking... and so on.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I really should say my tattoo... being that its English translation is "believe", and I got it as a reminder that I CAN do anything I set my mind to... but it hasn't worked so far.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I'm not in a good place to answer this. I think just about everyone is an asshole right now.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Anyone who can't get their story straight, and doesn't have the balls to actually confront you if they have a problem with you. One person in particular.

14. Where did most of your money go? Household expenses. Nothing exciting.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My birthday... only because it was the weekend after I got released from hospital, and it meant actually enjoying myself and being able to eat real food.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011? LMFAO - Sexy & I Know It. Under protest. "I got passion in my pants and I'm not afraid to show it"... really?!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
(a) Happier or Sadder? Sadder
(b) Thinner or Fatter? Fatter
(c) Richer or Poorer? Poorer
(PITY PARTY AT MY PLACE! BRING MONEY, BOOZE, AND CARBS.)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Telling people to get fucked. To their face.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Stewed over situations that couldn't be changed.
20. How did you spend Christmas in 2011? Lunch at home with one of my BIL's, then dinner at my parents' place.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011? Is Matt looking? No? JAX TELLER. I don't do guys with blonde hair, or long hair for that matter... but I WOULD do Jax, no worries. Hot damn.
(Also, if you don't know who Jax Teller is, I suggest tracking down Sons of Anarchy and start watching IMMEDIATELY. It's one of those shows you have to watch from the very first episode, though, or you get lost.)

22. How many one-night stands? Zeeeeeero.

23. What was your favorite TV program? Sons of Anarchy. And not just because of question 21. Although, that certainly helps.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes. Absolutely. And I used to say hate was a wasted emotion, but damn that motherfucker to hell.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I don't think I had one. I've been under a musical rock.

27. What did you want and get? A tattoo. Self-employed status.

28. What did you want and not get? That fat bank account and slim body I tee'd up with the man upstairs. He switched them again...

29. What was your favorite film of this year? Limitless was pretty good. Hangover 2. Both had Bradley Cooper. Another blonde I probably wouldn't say no to.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Since I'm not really supposed to be consuming alcohol (thanks, high blood pressure!), Matt suggested Dreamworld, and a group of our friends came along. I turned 24, which is officially mid-twenties, isn't it? Fuck.
Highlight of the day was screaming MOTHERFUCKER at the top of my lungs at the very top of the Tower of Terror. Don't judge... you totally would too.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Everyone being (and staying) healthy. I don't know ONE person who didn't either have health problems, or had someone in their family who was sick.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? None of my pants fit anymore, and I can't afford to buy new ones, let alone admit that I need to go up another size, so let's pretend to be all boho and girly and wear skirts and dresses ALL THE TIME. Long ones for bonus points when I can't be bothered shaving my legs.

33. What kept you sane? I'm going to go with... nothing. Totally lost my shit this year.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? *blank look*

35. What political issue stirred you the most? I try to avoid politics like the plague. But seriously, I don't get why feet are still being dragged on legalising gay marriage. It's not like straight people are doing a great job with it...

36. Who did you miss? Can't say I missed anyone in particular.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Once again, met several awesome people through contract work.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. Life's too short to waste on trivial issues and stupid people.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"I wanna feel weightless, and that should be enough" All Time Low - Weightless

Pressure's still on

2011-11-21T06:54:00.002+10:00

Just realised I still haven't updated with the specialist progress on the blood pressure front...

As Dr Google previously informed me... it's probable that I have fibromuscular displaysia. It also confirmed that it's pretty uncommon, especially for someone my age - 23.

My medication was changed so that the next round of blood tests aren't affected by rogue hormone levels. On that note, the new medication isn't working anywhere near as well, and more often than not, my readings are still coming back high.

They also said they wanted me to have a procedure done called Renal Vein Renin Sampling... where I'm admitted into hospital, put on a low-salt diet for several days, and then sedated while blood is collected directly from each kidney. I was told that when bloodflow is restricted to the kidneys, they emit certain hormones, namely renin, and the presence of it will confirm the fibromuscular displaysia.

The clinic said they weren't expecting me to have this done until after Christmas, with the closedown period and other factors being taken into account.

They called me Wednesday... I'm being admitted on the 10th of December, and not being released until the 16th. At least I'm not in hospital for my birthday, but damn. Less time to get organised for the week of lost income. Also, I need a new nightie, dressing gown and slippers...

I'm not looking forward to being flat on my back for 7 days. But it's better that they're doing it sooner rather than later, I guess.

Listless

2011-11-05T21:44:00.004+10:00

(Proper blog post coming soon... in the meantime...)

Things I am wary of:
Big dogs.
All bugs, especially spiders, bees and cockroaches.
The dark.
Emails telling me I'm entitled to a bazillion dollars.
Hospitals.

Things that gross me the eff out:
Blood. Any blood. Especially my own blood.
Raw meat.
Any mention of personal injury, cut or bruise. Makes my blood run cold.
Feet. Unless they're attached to a client I'm about to do a pedicure on, in which case 99.9% of them are looked-after feet. Otherwise, EW, keep those skanky feet away.
People, particularly women, who don't dress appropriately for their size. I mean, come on, I'm well and truly plus-sized, and you don't see me wearing short shorts and singlets clinging to every fat cell.

Things that make me straight up swoon:
Slipping into a freshly made bed with freshly shaved legs.
Having new nails.
Puppy kisses.
Random flower-giving (speaking of, it's been awhile...)
Almost anything that's purple.

Things that make me gasp:
Most nail products, nail polishes, rhinestones, so on and so forth.
Really, REALLY good chocolate. Or good cheese.
Lilly, usually when she jumps on me and lands in an awkward spot.
Matt, when he drops the C-word.
A super-duper hot shower.

Things that I don't feel are worth the price charged:
Underwear.
Petrol.
Pre-mixed alcoholic drinks. Am lazy.
Craft supplies.
Stationery.

Things I am looking forward to:
Getting my health back.
Spending Christmas with my family after this shitty year.
Doing more studying... maybe.
Travelling... one day.
Being my own boss.

Internal monologue

2011-10-19T20:22:00.003+10:00

I have so many half-thoughts swirling around in my head.

I'm miserable.

Is it because I've worn myself out, or because there's something else physically wrong with me?
I was so excited to hear that the medication has brought my blood pressure back to a normal range that I forgot to mention that the chronic tiredness and Debbie Downer feeling is still here.

I should be absolutely thrilled that I'm now completely self-employed, right? But I'm not. I'm doing what I love, and yet, I'm not loving it. Why the hell not?! I've been giving myself a few days off a week to rest/relax/bludge, but all it's doing is making me want to lock myself in the house permanently. It's not just nails, either. I've lost the passion for everything else I love doing, too.

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

Can you feel the pressure?

2011-10-02T22:03:00.002+10:00

I've had more tests done to investigate my blood pressure.

Originally my doctor thought it might have been stress - Dad's health, work, etc - or a term called White Coat Syndrome, where your blood pressure is normal except when someone goes to take a reading. It's neither of these things. My right renal artery has some abnormal growth - proper term fibromuscular dysplasia - which has caused the artery to narrow. This can cause hypertension, which of course can lead to strokes, heart attacks, and so on if your blood pressure is high enough.

My doctor told me that my average blood pressure of 160/110 (mild to moderate hypertension, according to the report) is not common for someone my age (23), but is in fact a reading he would expect to get from the elderly. I cracked a joke about being special... but yeah. Not good. You know what happens when your blood pressure gets that high? Dizzy spells. The shakes. Shortness of breath. The feeling of always being exhausted. Oh, and when I really get worked up about something, a dull ache in my chest.

For now, I've been put on a sample pack of blood pressure medication to at least get my blood pressure under control. My GP was sending off a referral to a hypertension specialist to treat me. He said they may decide to do more tests to see if there's any other causes, but for now we definitely know it's the artery sending my blood pressure soaring.

I got quite upset at the salon, just over a week ago. I've mentioned to the owner and a couple of other girls that I have a blood pressure problem. There was an impromtu 'staff meeting' the Friday before last, and when first aid got brought up, I kid you not, someone pointed at me in front of everyone and said - word for word! - "Well, the kit will have to be moved up here, because Kelly could become an emergency situation at ANY moment!" to which I quickly came back with "I'll try not to stroke out on the floor and inconvenience any of you."
I was so angry! And I made it clear to the owner a few days later, after I'd calmed down, that I didn't appreciate: one, the way the person brought it up, in front of everyone, because not everybody knew about my health, and two, the way it was said. How dare she...

So last week, when I went back to the GP, Mum insisted on coming with me to find out what was going on. Guess she thought I wouldn't tell her everything, and she'd be right, because she's got Dad to worry about at the moment, and he's in a worse state than I am. This week when I go back to see how the sample medication is going, Matt will be coming with me. I've been telling him what's going on, but he was upset that he wasn't coming with me... plus I think he also thought I was withholding information.

On one hand I want everyone to bugger off and leave me alone, but on the other it's good to have people around, you know? I'm not sure how they're going to treat this artery problem, whether they can control it with medication or if they need to go in and put a stent or something in. I don't know.

I do know, however, that this year has been an absolute MOFO health wise, and the sooner it's over and I'm healthy, and Dad's healthy, I'm going to get absolutely smashed.

Unhealthy, unwealthy, and unwise, part 2

2011-09-08T12:12:00.000+10:00

Unwealthy and Unwise:

Despite knowing I'm due for another half-decent tax return, I still haven't booked in to get my tax done. I'm so lazy. I wasn't very organised last financial year, and my lack of motivation is due to knowing I have to get everything together first - all my group certificates from temping, all my business receipts, trying to add up how much income I made doing nails… Yuck.

I don't really have a choice, now. I'm in a bit of a financial bind and need whatever return I get to break even again. The accountant I saw last year stuffed me around a fair bit - he gave me an estimate at the end of my appointment, and then gave me a second estimate a week later (he hadn't finished it while I was there!) of what my return was, and the second figure was $600 less than the first. I wasn't impressed… I've left it so long this year that I'll have to go back to him, but I'll be making sure it's finished at the time because I need to know what I have to work with. I don't think that's too much to ask, especially when I'll be paying upfront.

This financial year I'm planning on being a lot more organised. I'm keeping a diary of all the home appointments I do, with the prices, and now that I'm working in a salon on commission three days a week (I didn't mention that, did I?) I have to invoice them weekly, so I have those records as well. The other three days I'm planning on working out of my friend's hair salon, so I'll record all of that in my diary, too. I have a log book for my car, but haven't used it yet, which is slack of me, but now it's early in the month I might start. I'm ordering some advertising material from Vistaprint, including some car door magnets, and I think once I put those on it changes what I can claim on my car, since it's being used for advertising. I don't know… I'll have to ask.

I'm excited that after almost two years, I'm within a hair's breath of accomplishing my goal of being fully self-employed. The work's not over yet, by any means, but the first major step of quitting the rat race is almost complete. Then I just have to advertise, advertise, advertise, and build the business up!

Unhealthy, unwealthy, and unwise, part 1

2011-09-05T13:12:00.003+10:00

Unhealthy:
I've been making a few trips to the doctor's office lately.

It all started when I came down with the flu. Mum got it, and was really, really sick, so when I started to feel the effects of it, I hightailed it to the doctor to get some antibiotics. While I was there, I figured I'd tell him that my weight is steadily climbing and could I please have some of the Duromine that he gave me a couple of years ago? Oh, and yes, I'm on the pill, but when it's that time, nothing doing.

(Can you tell I put things off until I have a list?)

He wrote up a prescription for some antibiotics, and added Duromine to the list. Then he checked my blood pressure, and promptly crossed out the Duromine. Blood pressure is too high, he said. Gave me more paperwork referring me for a pelvic ultrasound (to see what my ovaries were doing) and a blood test.

A couple of weeks later, and I was back with the ultrasound results in my hand. There was one cyst in my left ovary, but the ultrasound folks and my GP weren't concerned, they doubted it was PCOS. Had my pill changed to a more PCOS-compatible one, just in case. Blood test results: cholesterol was fine, blood sugar was fine, liver function slightly elevated... not being a big drinker he attributed it to perhaps some fatty deposits from my weight.

He checked my blood pressure again. Way, way too high, although he wouldn't tell me what the reading was. Got sent away with instructions to cut out alcohol, and cut right back on salt and caffiene. My doctor demanded that I return in two weeks, and if my blood pressure hadn't dropped significantly, I was going to get slapped with a 24 hour blood pressure monitor.

I went back last week. This time I got told my readings. My blood pressure had been 160/100, and last week had dropped to 142/100. Not enough of a drop to get out of the monitor, unfortunately. I've booked in for next Monday morning to get it fitted... I thought about not going to work because of it, but I guess that would give a fake reading if I just sat at home all day, right? Not only do I get the monitor, I got slapped with referrals for a renal artery ultrasound and a 24-hour urine test. I thought that was random, but I read the form which is to check for "renal artery stenosis", which Dr Google informs me is when the renal arteries to your kidneys become clogged, like the arteries around your heart do. Shite. Those tests are coming up next week as well.

I'm not sure what happens next, but from where I'm sitting I wouldn't be surprised if I end up with some blood pressure medication, which is my own damn fault, really. I do feel a bit better than I did at the time of the highest BP reading, but any anxiousness or stress and I get a dull ache in my chest and I can feel my heart pounding. There's been a couple of other things I haven't mentioned to anyone (and probably should have), like numbness in my toes when I first get out of bed, fingers swelling to the point I have to take off my jewellery, and the lightheadedness. And of course, the lethargy - total and utter exhaustion, whether I sleep 2 hours or 10.

Speaking of sleep, I wonder if I can crawl under my desk for a nanna nap...

My day

2011-07-31T23:14:00.004+10:00

I found this meme on Emilie's blog, and grabbed it because after racking my brain, I've got nothin', folks.

1. You wake up in the morning. What time is it probably?
It depends - Matt usually tries to wake me up at 6.15 with the thought that I'll get up at 6.30 when I need to. Lately, it's so cold, and my current workplace is a 5 min drive, so it's a lot closer to 7am.

2. You get yourself some breakfast. What do you make?
I'm not a cereal fan, so I usually just go with toast. If I'm feeling fancy and have extra time I'll boil an egg to go with it.

3. Someone calls you on the phone. Who do you want it to be?
It's going to be my mum, because it's usually only her or Matt that calls me.

4. You turn on the TV for a bit. What channel do you put it on?
If I'm the one to turn on the TV, it's the morning news. If it's Matt, it's cartoons. The guy is 30 and obsessed with Ben 10. To the point that his brother and I pick on him about it.

5. You have some time to kill before you leave. What do you do?
No spare time. Up at 7, on the couch watching news/cartoons (sigh) until 7.30 before realising I have to leave in 15 minutes. Cue panic.

6. You go and have a shower. How long does it take you?
Usually about 10-15 minutes, even if I'm trying to make it snappy.

7. You decide to get yourself ready for your day. How long does it take?
Not long. I think the most time consuming bit is my hair... but even that's a quick blow-dry, fingers through it a couple of times and spray.

8. You put on some makeup. What do you put on?
Tinted moisturiser, concealer, and a bit of mascara. Makeup and I don't get along...

9. You’re ready to leave. What do you take out with you?
My bag and some lunch if I'm organised enough!

10. How long does it take you to get to work?
My current contract is only 5 minutes away, which is good!

11. What is the first thing you do when you get to work?
Turn my computer on, fill up my water bottle, put my mobile on silent.

12. Do you take part in office gossip/water cooler talk?
Nope. Being temporary staff means that nobody talks to me, really. I get in the way. Heaven forbid I walk back to my desk while two people are having a conversation... the crickets start chirping.

13. Anything particularly annoying about each work day?
Boredom, really. It's one of the main reasons I've decided to give up office work and try and establish myself as a nail technician. I don't enjoy sitting in front of a computer all day, it annoys me no end.

14. What’s the best part of the day?
Chilling out after dinner, watching tv. It's usually when Matt and I do most of our catching up on the day's events.

15. Do you usually leave on time or stay late? Take any work home with you?
I'm out the door like a bullet, right on time. Don't get paid for it, not interested. I used to do overtime at my last permanent job, even the odd Saturday, and I never saw a cent. To try and take the time in lieu was like pulling teeth. I gave up after awhile, and now I refuse to stay late. It'll still be there the next day!

16. The boss calls to tell you that don’t have to work, and you’re free for a whole day. What do you do?
I'd sleep in, play with Lilly, possibly go out and get some lunch, and then hit up some shops.

17. With whom would you want to spend the day?
I'd spend most of the day alone. I get overwhelmed when I don't get any alone time, and usually end up sitting on the computer for hours on end... which really annoys Matt. It's hard to explain it to him though, it's my zone out time!

18. You go to the store to get some snackage, but it turns out you can only buy one thing there. What do you buy?
Probably a pizza roll. I love those things, but I try and stay away because I can never have just one!

19. You’re walking down the street and you find a magic lamp that grants you 3 wishes. What do you wish for?
1.) No more illness for my friends and family 2.) To be assured success as a self-employed person with enough security for us to have kids. 3.) For Matt to find a job/career path that he loves.

20. You meet a man who says he will give you your dream job, what is it?
I'm working my way towards my dream job at the moment, but if he wanted to help out by giving me my own premises, rent free, and the ability to hire my own staff, that'd be great!

21. You can choose any concert of any singer/band in the world; whose do you go to?
I think I'd choose Matchbox 20. I was so bummed last time they'd been out to Australia and I'd had no idea!

22. You get home & there’s a check for $50,000 in the mail for you. On what would you spend it?
I'd put it in a term deposit or something similar, and let it grow.

23. You get to bring back anyone from the dead, famous or not. Who would it be?
Probably my grandparents - Dad's parents. I wish I'd been able to fly over to Wales and see them before they passed. I was 4 the last time I saw them.

24. You get to interview your favorite celebrity. Who is it, and what would you ask him/her?
I like Helen Mirren. Lady's got balls. I think she'd be hilarious.

25. You get to see into the future but you can only find out one thing about your future life. What would you want to find out?
I'd just want to know that I was happy, whatever I was doing. Why ruin the surprise?

26. At the end of your perfect day, you go on a perfect date; describe it.
Matt would tell me to get dressed up, and he'd surprise me with a trip somewhere... maybe a picnic on the beach? We don't really do date nights, but it's something I'm starting to enforce. It's good just to have couples time together without worrying about everyday things.

Unplugged

2011-07-29T16:32:00.002+10:00

I spent some time earlier this week playing with Lilly in the backyard. It was fun chasing her around the yard after hanging out the washing, and she went nuts. The dog has no manners, though - after running around full pelt for a few minutes, she stopped dead right in front of me, stared at me while she had a poo, and then took off running again! Matt bought a couple of rubber balls for cats, they're small enough for Lilly to pick them up and we throw them for her to fetch. I think it's funny seeing a chihuahua chasing a ball and bringing it back to me. I've never had a dog that's fetched before!

I've been lucky enough to come down with the flu this week, so I spent the first half of the week resting, and came into work for the last two days of the week. I'm still really tired and have that lovely husky voice going, but I'm feeling better than I was... I had the good sense to go to the doctors as soon as the symptoms hit me full force.

While I was at the doctors I asked about getting another prescription for Duromine (aka Phentermine) to get my weight loss kicked off again. He asked if I was still taking the pill, and when I mentioned that I've been having trouble with my cycle (or lack thereof) I got handed referrals for a blood test and also a pelvic ultrasound. The blood test he said is to check again for diabetes or anything else that would be causing me to keep gaining weight, and the ultrasound is to check my ovaries. That freaked me out - but I'm glad that everything is getting checked out and my doctor's being thorough. I've been on the pill for years to manage my cycle because I used to be in agony for 2 weeks straight, so I guess I wouldn't be surprised if something comes up on the ultrasound. Thinking the worst, but hoping for the best. One thing I've learned so far this year is you have to make the effort to stay positive.

On the salon front, my hairdresser has pulled out of the shopping centre deal she was going into, and is converting a shed at home into a salon. It should be ready in the next few weeks... so I'll have to wait and see how that goes, and if I can make a living off doing nails full time. In just over a week I'm doing a course in eyelash extensions - apparently these are the "new spray tan" and are supposed to be profitable if done right. It'll be interesting to learn something different, that's for sure.

Enough about me. If anyone's reading, what's new with you?

Beary nice

2011-07-10T10:30:00.003+10:00

I'm going to my second baby shower in three weeks. This one is for a good friend of mine who is due to have her first baby in early August!

Like my last baby shower gift, I decided to put together a small basket with a few 'essentials' for the bub. Essentials is in inverted commas because being childless, I would have no idea what would come in handy. This time I got some baby cotton buds, disposable bibs, a little Johnsons baby lotion pack, and some white mittens and hats. Bub's gender is a mystery so white was the way to go!

And then I got her this... because I walked past a wall of them and just couldn't NOT get one!

That's him (her? There's a baby bear, after all...) sitting in my computer chair. That's a good indication of the size of it! I'm thinking about having it sit in the passenger seat while I cruise down the highway to the shower ;)

Friday, Friday

2011-07-09T20:31:00.004+10:00

I was a naughty girl and bought myself this diamond ring. Why? Because I could... and Matt isn't going to buy me one in a hurry!
You can also see my new nails that I spent all morning slaving over.

Thursday's photo

2011-07-09T20:26:00.001+10:00

On a Saturday. Because I am lazy. And busy.

I got these cherry earrings off a vendor on Facebook... I think they're adorable.

Clothing conundrum?

2011-07-06T10:40:00.003+10:00

It's once again come to the point where I seriously need to clean out my wardrobe.

I did 5 loads of washing yesterday, most of it mine, and when it came time to put it all away... well, see for yourself:

I opened the door to put my washing away, and it was already full. I feel like I wasted my time folding everything because it all had to be squished and crammed in.

The scary part is, my wardrobe is chockers, and that photo only shows a quarter of my wardrobe space.

I've cut right back on buying new clothes, which I think has helped, but there's still the issue of weeding out what I don't wear anymore. I usually do it about once a year, with the intention of listing the things in good condition for sale on eBay. I seem to make a fair bit of money back out of it, but the effort of taking photos, listing it, and then posting out puts me off doing it for every single piece of clothing. Then I kick myself for not doing it anyway!

I'm at the point now where I'm going to keep some things aside to put on eBay in bits and pieces, and then bag the majority of it up for charity. I know that from volunteering at the Salvation Army that there's always a shortage of plus size clothing.

After going right through the house over the past few days, I'm in the mood to keep going. Once I've cleared out what I no longer want, my mum and one of my friends are going to go through it all to update their own wardrobes. They'll give me some money of course.

How ridiculous is it that people can come to ME for their clothes shopping?!

Daily posting is obviously too hard.

2011-07-06T10:09:00.004+10:00

Here's yesterday's pic, which I should have posted yesterday but didn't because I was cleaning for 6 hours solid for our inspection today.
That comes across as us living in filth, but we don't. It was just giving everything a good once over and tending to things you normally don't - cleaning down window sills and tracks, anyone?
(The two hour window she gave me has opened, so she better get her butt here shortly. I have stuff to do.)

Lilly is being very sooky at the moment. On one hand, it's great because she'll curl up on your lap for a cuddle (I didn't think she'd ever do that!). On the other hand, it's exacerbating her clingyness, and the last thing I want while going to the loo is having her sniff under the door before peeing in the hallway as protest because I closed the door on her. Le sigh.

I must be stupid.

2011-07-04T20:56:00.003+10:00

I reported a huge termite mound beside our house to our property manager two and a half months ago - before Easter. She emailed back saying the termite man would be in touch. I never heard anything. So I reminded her about it today, because we have an inspection on Wednesday. She said she was leaving it until she could look at it during the inspection.

I must be stupid for thinking that they would bother looking for and/or treating termites with any sense of urgency when they let me live with a leaking roof for the first 11 months we lived here.

I don't think they've got in under the house, but who knows. If they have and we eventually have to be moved because the house is unsafe, the agency and the landlord will be covering our moving expenses. I have an email date stamped the 19th of April, as well as the original reply and today's reply to cover my arse.

Things like this make me wish I'd just gotten a permanent job so we could move into another rental, if not buy a place.

I must be stupid for thinking that a property owner who's using the house as an investment property would actually maintain the house. Hrrmph.

Okay, rant over. Time for pretty, whacked out flower I found while out shopping today.

With a little drop of Poison...

2011-07-03T18:57:00.002+10:00

I'm in major house cleaning mode at the moment. We have a house inspection this week and I've been very slack lately. It's been a very long time since I made any effort at all to declutter.

During my cleaning exploits I found this bottle of Poison. It's tiny, and oh so cute.

Saturday

2011-07-03T18:54:00.002+10:00

I was slack with updating the photo... it was a busy day of nails and housework.

Anyway, here's a pic of the nails I did yesterday. I'm not 100% happy with the colour, the black tips are supposed to be glittery - apparently it's super hard to find a black glitter that actually glitters!

Project 31: The abbreviated slackarse version

2011-07-01T21:29:00.003+10:00

Again with the blogging fail. Oh well.

I've decided to do a monthly version of Project 365. Honestly, I don't think I could handle taking a photo every day, although it seems like I'm always chasing Lilly around with my iPhone!

I'm going to try a photo a day for this month, and we'll see how we go. There might be some writing, there might not be. Depends how I feel.

Today's photo is half a Fluffy Duck cocktail in my favourite drinking glass. I finished yet another temp contract today and needed to kick back a bit.

Tattoo time!

2011-06-05T19:04:00.003+10:00

I got my first tattoo yesterday. I've had the idea and the design for it for over a year now... I was just waiting to see if I'd change my mind, I guess. In the end I just decided to go for it - it means a lot to me, is connected to my family, and what the hell, right?

I wish I could say that I'm totally hardcore, and it's huge, incredibly detailed and took hours... but it didn't. I think all up it took about fifteen minutes. Yesterday seemed as good a day as any. This year hasn't been that kind to me so far, and I just wanted to do something for myself to see if I could perk up a bit.

It's pronounced "chredi" - and it's 'believe' in Welsh. It's a reminder that I should believe in myself more than I do. It's also taken on another meaning this year - that no matter what, if you have faith and believe that the best will happen, it should come through. Dad's family is Welsh, as is he, of course, so that's the family connection.

The day before I got the tattoo - Friday - Dad had another major appointment with the oncologist regarding his cancer. They had another look right over him, and said there was good news: they can't find any trace of cancer, and the PET scan scheduled for two weeks time should confirm that he's gone into remission. Mum called me at work to tell me, and I nearly burst into tears.

That being said, this weekend just seemed like the perfect time to get the tattoo. I woke up this morning, looked at my wrist, and smiled.

I'd been a bit concerned about the reaction to it - Mum and Dad are pretty against body art. The last few piercings I've gotten haven't gone down too well. Mum said she understood why I wanted it, and once I said it was going to be small, she wasn't worried. I wasn't looking forward to Dad's reaction at all... but Mum told him, and the feedback she got hinted that he was quite chuffed that I was getting something Welsh. They saw it today, and they both liked it. Mum even told my Auntie when she called (she's near the England/Wales border) and she wasn't sure about me getting tattooed until she learnt what it was, and then she loved the idea of it too.

It's a smidgeon lower than I'd imagined it, but I love it just where it is - and I've already decided I'll add something around it... eventually. Wonder if that means I've been bitten by the tattoo bug?

Admitting defeat

2011-05-29T18:45:00.002+10:00

Alright, I admit it: I've become a terrible blogger. That is, I would be a terrible blogger, if I actually blogged. To me, blogging requires each post to have something of substance. That would require something substantial going on up between my ears, right? I don't feel it.

Despite what I tell myself, and others, I'm eternally optimistic. Deep down, I know that although I have had some serious shit thrown my way in my 23.5 years of existence, there's an uncanny habit of things working out just right for me in the end.

I have five weeks left at my current contract before I need to find something else. Our plan (mine, and the client's) was for me to keep working there until I was ready to go full time in the salon, working for myself. Well, turns out that the person who I'm relieving has decided to come back from maternity leave... nine months early. July 1 is it for me, folks. I'd like to be able to sit at the salon and take walk-ins after that date, and hope that it wouldn't take long for me to build up a full-time clientele... but a) we really can't afford for me to sit around, hoping to get clients, because there's no way we could get by on a single income, and b) I have absolutely no idea what's happening with said salon, because it was originally supposed to open this week, but I haven't heard from the owner or the manager after trying to get through over a week ago.
Looks like I'll be going for a Plan C: pick up a new contract, try and save like hell before it finishes, and hope I have enough money to live off while trying to set up business in the salon... whenever it does open.

The truth is, I've been so, well, shitty with blogging, because I really only want to write about all the shiny, happy things going on in my life. Of which there is - or feels like there is, anyway - nothing. I choose not to write because I fear all this blog will become is one big, neverending pity party, and I'm a firm believer of "everyone has their own problems, why would they want to hear about mine?!" - but at the end of the day, it's my small pixelated box of the three W's and I should feel free to write about whatever the hell I want, I guess. Without worrying that I'm not writing about it very well.

Suprise photoshoot

2011-05-22T16:37:00.004+10:00

We had our little family photoshoot on Friday afternoon. Actually, I booked it as a couples photoshoot for my parents, but they got me in a few photos, as they do.

I got the proofs back today, and they are all gorgeous. I'm so glad I suprised my parents with this - they don't have a lot of photos together, and with Dad's latest round of cancer treatment, I wanted to do something nice for them.

It's been so hard narrowing down what photos we wanted to keep! The package I bought got us 5 digital images, and one 8x10 inch print.

I'll hold off on showing photos of them for now. Dad's feeling quite down about his weight - as of today he's only 63.1kg - so I'll share one of me. I must say, seeing myself at this weight even in professional photos has been a real bitch-slap... so here comes more motivation.

Another day, another diet

2011-05-15T12:16:00.002+10:00

Well, I definitely fail at the daily blogging. At least it inspired me to look at my blog again. Bit disappointing, but nevermind.

I started Lite n Easy on Thursday. A strange day to start a new diet, but delivery to my area is every Wednesday. I'm enjoying it so far, although I haven't exactly eaten to plan - Friday I woke up with a migrane and vomiting so wasn't up to eating. I've missed a few meals, but haven't turned to takeaway like I usually do. It's a little depressing actually, because I'm seeing just how much food you can eat to get to 1500 calories a day. I would have been eating at least double that. At least double... considering all the junk I was eating.

It's an adjustment... I'm used to eating all my emotions away, and now I don't have that option. I'm finding it hard with all the stressful situations going on right now, but it's better that I feel that then eat it. I know my migraine was stress induced, and I just can't afford to keep making myself sick.

Fashionable Fail

2011-05-08T19:22:00.002+10:00

So I fail at daily blogging... doesn't really matter because not a lot happened, really.

Friday I worked 8-5 at the office, and then went straight to the salon and did some nails before getting home at 10pm.

Saturday I worked at the salon again all day. The day was made immeasurably more notable after I rolled my ankle and fell first thing in the morning. I've definitely sprained my ankle, and wasn't able to drive home... Matt and one of his brothers had to come and collect me and the car. Not happy.

The ankle is a little less sore today, but still very twingey. I'm going to attempt driving to the office tomorrow, because it's only a 10 minute drive, and although my mum's offered to drive me to and from, I feel like I'm being a burden. So, I'll suck it up and give it a go. If all else fails, I'll have to get picked up and the car can stay in the secure carpark overnight.

I'm still feeling very down - something I'm having trouble both justifying and getting over. I find myself wanting to keep busy so I don't have to think about it, but that in turn is leading to burnout and when I do slow down, the feelings return. Bleugh. My weight's becoming a bigger and bigger issue (ha!) and I've finally looked into - and ordered - a portion-controlled program that supplies all my meals and snacks, eliminating almost all need to cook. Matt still has to be fed, of course, but he's happy to go with the flow and only grocery shop for himself.

Maybe once the first few kilos start to come away things will start to look a bit brighter all around.

Oh baby, I think I wanna marry you

2011-05-05T20:15:00.002+10:00

So many people in my life are getting married! A dear friend of mine is getting married in about 5 weeks time. Another good friend of mine got married last October, and is due to have her first baby 5 days after her birthday. Now, another friend is getting married, and an invite is on its way to me!

These three friends all got engaged AFTER ME, and are married/getting married before me. I just have one question, mostly directed towards Matt...

When is it MY turn?!

We have been engaged for nearly 4 and a half years now. We got engaged fairly early on in the piece, so it's not as though we were together for years before he popped the question... but I'm starting to get a little antsy.

I have made a very tiny start with regard to our own wedding. I have two bridesmaids, and their dresses are hanging in my wardrobe. I have my wedding shoes... purple heels that I hope I'll shrink into, because tottering around in them at my current weight is PAINFUL, and I have an idea for a small, intimate occasion with hopefully well less than 50 people.

Slowly but surely, we're getting there. The big thing for us at the moment is getting our finances sorted - which of course includes me setting myself up successfully as a self-employed, busy nail technician.

That dream is slowly coming to fruition - put some stuff on layby today, woohoo! - so hopefully in the next couple of years we'll finally have a wedding!

Shopping - with no money.

2011-05-04T20:14:00.002+10:00

I'm currently in the market for salon furniture. Which is awesome, but when funds are limited, it can be difficult. Well, no, it IS difficult. Very much so.

I have a few big ideas that I'm wanting to bring in to make my service personal and one of kind - unfortunately, all of these involve some financial outlay to begin with. At least one of these ideas is something I'd really like to initiate as soon as I can, so it's going to be a case of prioritising what I need to purchase first, and hoping that it's not too far down the list.

The downside of starting out is that you have to start somewhere. I'm working full time in a casual office job to not only stay afloat and cover my living expenses, but set up my business as well. As frustrating as it is having to outlay for all this furniture right now, since I'm buying things like a table and chairs, it should be a one-time only outlay!

The Great Hair Conundrum of 2011

2011-05-03T19:41:00.009+10:00

I've had short hair for many years. Since I was 14, in fact. I never liked that my hair was fine, stringy, and just hung. So I cut it off. Over the next few years it's gotten shorter, and shorter, and shorter. Then I decided to grow it out, just a little. Just my fringe... then I'd cut it off again.

My hairdresser finally got sick of the cycle and said she wasn't cutting it anymore. "You'll need at least some hair for your wedding..." she proclaimed. And so it began... very slowly. One side grew out, for an asymmetrical style, and then slowly the top, back, and other side grew out too, so it could be all evened up.

The plan was for me to eventually have a concave bob... like what Posh started, but better.

These are the most recent photos showing the length of my hair. It's still incredibly short to most people, but to me... It's super long:

(Disclaimer: For the sake of being honest, the brown bits are extensions...)

Like I said... not long, but all one length, which is a monster feat, for me.

Now, here's the bad part: I'm over it.

My years of super short, no fuss, wash and wear hair have spoiled me. It's been a gradual process, but I've gone from being able to style my hair with fingertips only, to having to comb, detangle, treat, straighten, comb, detangle, detangle... Yep, over it. Love how it looks when I leave the salon... hate living with it on a day to day basis.

I'm used to rocking a style like this, which takes 2 minutes, if that, and can be dyed whatever colour, whenever, because the damage is cut out fairly quickly:

The only thing stopping me from doing it right this instant? It's quite ironic.

You see, I've become attached to my Rapunzel-like locks, even though it never looks like it does in those first pictures. Even though I wash it, treat it to a little Moroccan Oil, straighten it, and then promptly put it in a headband or behind my ears. Even though I'm growing it for my wedding - a wedding which STILL has no date, nearly 4 and a half years after getting engaged. It's sort of like "WHY am I doing this?!" but without being able to make myself stop.

I've picked a new style, shorter than those other pictures, and I've fallen in love with it. I want to make it mine.. but when I think about doing it, I feel guilty. Because I've gotten this far, and shouldn't I just try and stick it out a little longer? Should I persevere just that little bit more, and get it exactly how I want it, or just give up and get the chop now?

What's even more frustrating? Working in the salon doing people's nails means I get to see all these ladies walking out with super awesome short hair... giving me pangs of jealousy...

Arh... I have a hair appointment this week, and I know what's going to happen... I'll still have all my hair...

Oh, wise Innernetz, I wish you would bestow some wisdom upon my crown of golden locks!

Hoarder

2011-05-02T16:19:00.002+10:00

For years, I've wanted to be organised. My bedroom as a kid (and teenager) was full of stuff that either needed to be put away properly, or was being held onto because it might come in handy. Occasionally I'd get fed up with it and have a big cleanout, only to have everything build up again.

As much as I don't want to admit it, it's gotten a lot worse since I've moved out of home. Instead of having one room to keep under control, I have a three bedroom house, single garage, separate downstairs room AND a storage area... and 95% of the time? It's not pretty. Dishes pile up as Matt and I have silent arguments about who's turn it is to wash them. My craft/computer room has become the dumping ground for items purged during quick tidy-ups for visitors - as I look around the room now, 80% of the floor is covered... there's room to walk from the door to the computer chair, and that's it.

I've tried taking tips from Flylady and other sites about decluttering, quick routines and the like. It just feels like such a daunting task - where to start? - and because of that, I never fully get into it. I skim the surface, or tackle a small job, but once it leads to the next, bigger task, count me out.

Now that I'm working two jobs, 6 days a week? Then come home and spend my one day weekend scrubbing and organising my house to within an inch of its life? Forget it!

The really frustrating part is that when my home is in tip-top shape and I walk in the door after a long, hard day, to see a nice, decluttered space is so relaxing!

My new plan is to make a daily roster system, and put everything into it - housework, business, and so on. Being self-employed requires a great deal of organisation with paperwork, bookkeeping, and so on.

This lack of organisation is really bringing me down, phyiscally and mentally. I'm always grabbing convenience foods, takeaway junk because it feels like too much of an effort to cook something or prepare my lunches ahead. My weight's skyrocketed, I have no energy, and I just feel downright depressed.

Baby steps. Start small, and make time for everything... pencil it in so what little free time I have isn't wasted vegetating. Maybe it'll do me a world of good.

Maybe...

2011-05-01T10:11:00.004+10:00

In an effort to make more of an effort (ha!) where my blog is concerned, I signed up for May's NaBloPoMo. The topic - "maybe".

During the next 31 days, I intend not to write a lot of drivel, but instead see if I can get past my writer's block. There's plenty I want to write about, it just seems that I can't get it down in text.

Hopefully I won't fail horribly like I did last time I tried NaBloPoMo...

-----------------------------------------

Yesterday I was fully booked at the salon. It was a nice feeling, especially since I'm only there a day and a half a week! My clients were two regulars, and two new ladies.

I had my first experience with a no-show on Thursday night. It's disappointing, but it does happen in the industry. The client was the only one I had booked for my Thursday night session, and to sit around for an hour and a half, after already working a full 9 hour day at my office job was very frustrating. The salon girls hadn't taken a contact number either, so there was no way for me to contact her. The client (who was new) ended up running into the salon at 7pm, two hours after her appointment time, to apologise and say that she had completely forgotten about her appointment. She asked if I had any available appointments on Saturday as she really wanted her nails done for her engagement party. My first reaction was to say no, but after looking at my book I saw that one of my good friends was booked in, and knowing she wouldn't mind having them done another time on the weekend, I took her appointment out and gave it to the new client.

Well, I should have stuck to my first reaction and gut instinct, because you know what happened, don't you? She didn't show up, again. This time I had her phone number, so I tried to call her 10 minutes after she was supposed to arrive, but her phone rang out. She called me an hour later asking why I'd left a missed call! I told her she'd missed her appointment and it had been cancelled. She can't have wanted her nails done that badly! If she wants to book in again I'll be refusing to do the service. That's two separate occasions I could have done someone else's nails! I sat around for TWO HOURS on Saturday afternoon because I had to wait for my client who was booked in after her. So, so rude.

Because of this experience, I'm now thinking about enforcing a no-show rule. If you just plain don't turn up and don't bother to contact me, only to come back and ask to be re-booked, I think I'll be asking for a $20 deposit which will be forefited if they don't arrive for their appointment. I'm also thinking about introducing a time limit before it becomes a no-show - maybe 15 minutes? If you're going to be late, my number is on my business card, just call or text me, for heaven's sake!

Situations like this make me stop for a minute and wonder if I've made the right decision, wanting and trying to become self-employed. You depend on your clients for your income, and having people who don't value your time is just downright frustrating. It may not be the best decision for some, but in my heart of hearts, it's something that I've wanted for many years - even in high school I was saying I'd be my own boss! - and I'm determined to make it work. Thankfully the few clients I've accumulated so far are very loyal and reliable.

Life as I know it

2011-04-10T20:26:00.002+10:00

Since I last posted...

My dad has finished his cancer treatment, but is still not well. All up since around November last year he's lost 20kg, leaving him as skin and bones. He's still not able to eat properly (or at all, really) because his throat is still so sore from the radiation treatment. The past few weeks he's also been having a few funny turns, falling and having what I can only describe as mini convulsions. He has to wait to see the oncologist about it... we're hoping that it's an adverse reaction to all the medication he's taking, but I have a deep-seated fear that it means the cancer has spread.

My temp contract is going well. It's keeping me busy, which is good. They're also being really flexible with my hours, which works in well with the next point...

I've taken my first step into self-employment. I have salon space and worked my first day there yesterday. I was fully booked for the day, which was excellent - and it didn't feel strange at all. In fact, it felt like I was meant to be there, and had been doing it for awhile. It was a good feeling. I have a few more appointments already booked for the next couple of available days, too.

Just... meh.

2011-03-14T13:01:00.004+10:00

I haven't posted for awhile... I doubt I've been missed. I just couldn't be bothered, lately. I think about posting and think "meh". Recently whenever it comes to doing anything I think "meh".

I picked up a new temp contract, back at my local council. It's busy, and I'm slowly getting the hang of things. But work, like most things lately, illicts the "meh" response. My new temp job is a 9-day fortnight, alongside the permanent staff. I like it, but I don't. I don't like it because an extra day on the weekend to think about life isn't a good thing. I'm not being kept busy. There's plenty to do around the house, sure. Cleaning, reorganising etc, but - you guessed it - "meh".

Most days I sit and think about how many times I can be knocked down before it gets too much to get back up again. I hate pity parties, I really do, but I seem to be having an internal party bender. I don't tell anyone how I feel at all. Just plaster a happy face on and deal with it. Everyone has enough problems without needing to hear about mine, right?

About a month ago I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen for about a year. We had a quick chat about what was happening in our lives. She was doing okay... and then I said what was happening with me. Unemployment, struggling to find the next bill payment, Dad's cancer treatment, my now even more obvious weight gain. It didn't hit me until I explained it to her just how shitty my life's gotten. And yet, I still have so much to be grateful for.

Meh.

Dad's in his second last week of treatment. He's been given some extra heavy-duty gels and gauze for his skin, because even the alcohol and fragrance-free body washes were too astringent for him. He's lost so much weight he's basically skin and bone. His spirits are fairly high, considering current events.
We have no idea how the treatment is working. The cancer is so aggressive, and the treatment is so aggressive that the specialists really have no idea. After his treatment finishes next Friday we have to wait another 12 weeks before another full body scan can be done and we can get some idea of what's going on.

I just want to know how much more shit I can put up with before I can hoist the white flag and acknowledge that I'm beyond putting on a smiley face and pretending I'm okay.

Procrastination rules!

2011-02-15T13:25:00.003+10:00

I'm now into day 7 of unemployment. It's annoying as hell, but after the frantic pace of life lately, it probably won't hurt to have a bit of time to unwind. There's stuff around the house for me to do, dishes, vacuuming, putting dinner in the slow cooker, but I'm sitting in front of the computer instead.

I did give Lilly a bath this morning, and this is the look I got given after it was done:

I think she's suffering from some separation anxiety. There's been someone home with her every day since December, and whenever we put her outside (because we're going out) she starts howling. It's getting worse, actually. Matt put her to bed - the bathroom - early on Sunday night as we were going to a friend's house for dinner, and he told me that she started throwing herself against the door from the other side and scratching. Not good. The past week and a bit I've been off work she's been literally under my feet constantly, or sitting right beside me. I'm sure it's not good for her. I've taken her to my parent's house a few times and she plays with Tuffy. It's hilarious watching the two dogs wear each other out!

On the work front, I was in the running for a permanent full-time position, but I rang the agency this morning and asked to be withdrawn. I'll be making an announcement in the next few weeks, and it's because of this announcement that I've backed out of looking for permanent work. No, I'm not pregnant - but stay tuned!

The C-Word.

2011-02-12T09:21:00.005+10:00

Let's talk about the C-word. No, not THAT C-word, I hate that word! I'm not talking about the TV show either. I've heard it's not that good, by the way.

No, I want to talk about cancer.

My dad has it.

Again.

See, when my mum was six months into incubating the one responsible for hoarding all things purple - read, she was pregnant with me - my dad was diagnosed with testicular cancer. It explained a lot of things, the pain he was suffering, why they'd had so much trouble conceiving and eventually had to have a bit of extra help (yeah, I was MEANT to be, bitches!). I can't imagine my heavily pregnant mother working all day, then heading straight to hospital to sit my my dad's bedside for an hour, before going home to an empty, dark house. I was there, but I can't picture it.
(Okay, I'm stopping with the stupid jokes now, this is serious.)

Obviously, Dad pulled through. And after another scare when I was roughly 2 years old, he was given the all clear. Except he wasn't in the clear. All the surgery he had left him with a lot of scar tissue, and a stack of severed nerves which meant he was in constant pain, and that pain would intensify with age. He was forced into early retirement against his will in his early fifties because he just couldn't handle the pain anymore. He's always hated himself for that, because he's felt like a failure for not being able to provide for his family. Dad's proud like that.

For a few months towards the end of last year, Dad was complaining about a sore arm.
'Of all the things wrong with him, he keeps complaining about his stupid arm!', Mum would say. Dad kept mentioning it to his GP, who kept blowing him off. I should mention here that Dad had been seeing this GP for many years, and whenever he mentioned anything he was concerned about, the doctor would crack a stupid joke or just ignore it altogether. It's like he got bored with my Dad's health issues.

Dad, unlike most men, has no issue at all with seeing a doctor. If he thinks he's sneezed funny, he'll make an appointment. Usually, when his queries got blown off, he'd drop it. This time though, he had a feeling he should get a second opinion, so he made an appointment to see another GP in the clinic - one he'd seen a couple of times previously. The first thing the new GP did was order a CT scan.

The results came back, and there was a growth in Dad's neck. They weren't sure what it was, so off he went for blood tests, an ultrasound and a biopsy. All the results came back inconclusive. He was given a referral for more testing, which came back inconclusive again.

We were told before Christmas that it was going to be a cancerous tumour, but that it could be one of two things: secondary from when Dad had the testicular cancer over 20 years ago, or it could be a new cancer caused by a little group of cells thrown off from the tonsils. Obviously, the secondary cancer would be the worst scenario, and would entail many more tests to establish just where the cancer originated from this time, since the original source had long been removed.

A month ago, Dad was subjected to a full day of being examined by specialists, one after the other, asking the same questions, looking down his throat, etc. After even more testing, we were informed. It was a new cancer. The lump in his neck was secondary to the spots that were in his mouth, and it was a very aggressive form. To beat it, he requires very aggressive treatment over 7 weeks. Radiotherapy five days a week, and chemotherapy once a week. The oncologists have said there is a 60% success rate, and if the treatment doesn't eradicate at the end of the 7 weeks, they'll start a new round.

We're all feeling fairly positive at the moment, especially Dad. He's made it clear that he has no intentions of leaving his family behind, and he's going to throw everything at this to beat it. Last Monday he went in to have his tonsils removed as a precaution, and had another, more in-depth biopsy carried out on his neck. He was released from hospital too early, and ended up being readmitted less than 48 hours later with a severe infection, severe dehydration (he hadn't been able to swallow, so no fluids for about 36 hours, in Brisbane's summer heat - BAD) and an erratic heartrate. He came home a couple of days later, more like himself.

Dad's first chemotherapy session was on Wednesday. He's getting a special type of chemo - apparently this one won't cause nausea, hopefully, and it won't cause him to lose his hair. Dad was really shitty about the prospect of losing his hair... although we're always nagging him to cut it!

I'm still trying to comprehend how this could happen - for the second time now - to the most selfless, compassionate, caring and loving man I've ever met. I'm not biased, either. Everyone that's ever met my father will tell you the same thing. Nobody who's ever met him could ever say a bad word about him. Ever.

I'll be brutally honest here, since that is what a blog is for, after all... I cursed any and all higher being for subjecting my dad to this. I wondered who and what could be so cruel, and do this to someone who's suffered so much already. I hated whoever had decided that this was the thing to do. I even wondered aloud how could I possibly enter a Catholic church, when I would be saying my vows in front of the being that could possibly take away the person who was to walk me down the aisle???

Someone is watching over him, though. My dad's a very lucky man. You see, the reason he originally sought a second opinion was because of a niggling pain in his arm, which lead to the scan which found the tumour. But the tumour wasn't causing the pain at all. It wasn't until the slew of specialists were looking at the scans and one of them commented on the compressed vertebrae in Dad's neck which had previously gone unnoticed. Compressed vertebrae in the neck caused the pain in his arm.

If it hadn't been for that sore arm, Dad never would have gone to the doctors about it. Tests would never have been carried out. The cancer wouldn't have been found. And because it's such an aggressive form... well, to be honest, I don't know how long Dad would've carried on before it was discovered, if at all.

I don't think we've ever been so grateful for a sore arm.

(As a side note, yes, it's mouth and neck cancer. When I mention this to people who don't know my dad personally, the first question is "Oh, is he a smoker?" Well yes, my dad is a smoker. He's been a smoker for 40 years. BUT - we were informed by the oncologists this week that this cancer is NOT smoking related, it was caused by a virus. Dad was advised rather emphatically that it would not have mattered if he'd never smoked a day in his life, or if he'd smoked 60 cigarettes a day, nothing would have prevented this cancer.
So the next idiot that implies to me that Dad "asked" for this cancer by smoking, GO FUCK YOURSELF.)

Looking forward, looking back

2011-02-07T22:07:00.004+10:00

This is a photo of Matt and I, taken in September 2006. We'd been together six months.

It's hard to think of all the living that's been done between there and now. That photo was taken before we got engaged. Before we started working in our current industries. Before we got a place of our own. Before the deaths of my grandmother, uncle, and his mum. Before our dogs went to pet heaven. Before my dad was diagnosed with mouth cancer.

There we are, an 18 year old and a 25 year old, still getting to know each other and looking forward to the future. Looking forward to learning as much as we could about each other... like how he does have a bit of OCD, which is blatantly obvious every time we go grocery shopping and he can never place anything in the trolley unless it's perfect. How he has to organise the trolley contents just so. How he buys me flowers, and then half-jokingly sulks because he'd like me to gift flowers for a change... How no matter how long I sleep, I'm going to be a right pain in the ass for the first hour I'm awake. How I stamp my feet when I can't get my way. How my driving scares him, although he had a large part in teaching me. How I'm never, ever going to have enough jewellery or clothes. How I'm never going to be able to stick to one hair colour.

Looking forward, looking back. The title of this post, and Slim Dusty song - an artist I couldn't stand long before that song was played at my mother-in-law's funeral. She loved him, and Dolly Parton, too.

Thinking about how life has been lately, it's nothing like how we'd have imagined. We imagined healthy, cancer-free, happy family members. We imagined setting up our own little house, with a mortgage and nice cars. We imagined stable jobs and not having to worry about how the next bill was going to be paid. We imagined a small, intimate wedding ceremony surrounded by all our family and close friends. We imagined kids - he imagined kids before he turned 30, less he be "too old" to play with them after that. I imagined that hell would freeze over first.

We didn't count on shitty jobs, scratching for money because there's no work, or family members dying. We didn't count on redundancy right after we signed our first lease. We didn't count on a leaky roof and a garage too small to park anything larger than a Smart car. And I sure as hell didn't count on having to stay strong while my Dad battles cancer for the second time.

I can count on Matt, though, and he can count on me. And in just over a month, I'll have been able to count on him, the love of my life, for five whole years.

The latest photo of us, taken on my iPhone at the end of January. He's 29 (until June...) and I'm 23.

Life is nothing like we'd imagined, but we've survived. One day we'll have our small wedding. My dad will beat the cancer and walk me down the aisle. We will have our babies, eventually.

I'd say that with Matt, life doesn't seem so bad. That's not quite accurate. It's still no walk in the park, by any means, but as long as he's beside me, I know we'll get through it.

Before I blogged...

2011-01-26T20:34:00.004+10:00

Let's do some time travel...

Way back before I blogged, or tried to keep a diary, I had my journal. I call it a journal, but it's more of a precursor to scrapbooking. I started this journal when I was 15, and started attacking magazines, typing out quotes and printing them, and even putting in some original poetry.
(Oh yes, I was one of those angsty, emo teens, before the term "emo" was ever coined.)

I was considering doing a video blog and sharing my journal with you, but every time I open it I get sucked back through the time warp, and I wasn't sure how that would translate into a video. Ten minutes of me staring at an old book? Hrm, maybe not. I've decided to take a few pictures and share it with you this way.

First of all, we have the cover. Yep, furry fabric - loving the pawprints! I remember this fabric was $20 a metre at the time, and I so desperately wanted it, but back when I was 15, $20 was a LOT of money, and oh, I just couldn't afford it. So my mum bought it for me. I covered the journal and also made a fabric noticeboard... which I'm sure I brought with me when we moved.

Anyway, I digress. Now you know why I decided against the video.

My journal (click to embiggen all photos):

It's still in almost perfect condition. There's a few white dog hairs on it, as it was on the floor and Lilly decided it would make for a good pillow.

From there, we open the cover to end up at the first page. Luckily for me, Dolly had decided to do their feature article on Kelly Osbourne that month, so I snagged their title for my front page.

I was all for making phrases literal, even at the tender age of fifteen:

Oh yes I did! *finger snap*

Later on, there's a little bit of lovin' - what every girl wants, of course:

I remember being so damn pleased with this, because there were all different shades of pink, and flowers, and hearts, and VOMIT. Oh, seriously.

Ah, now this is better. One of my original poems, written about 'friends' who I'd fallen out with. And by "falling out" I mean they got sick of hanging around the fat, smart, unpopular kid. I had enough material to reference THREE failed friendships here. Reading it now, I must have been PMSing something terrible...

I've also got the stock standard "I was so depressed, but now I'm all good" poem and one about a break up, but I won't share those.

Right near the end, I found this little gem. I don't think I realised at the time just how much it'd come in handy, even as I age...

Yep, when I've been in a permanent job for a few months, I think that'll be going up around my desk somewhere.

It's pretty cool, having a hard copy, for real snapshot of what part of my teenage years were like. I did pretty well with it, there's only about 10 blank pages at the back of the book.

Looking back at this has me tempted to start a new one. Maybe bits and pieces about my twenties? Wedding inspiration? Tattoo inspiration? Piercings I'll eventually want but will be disowned/murdered by my family if I get any more done? The possibilities are endless.

Do you have anything from your childhood/teenage years like this that you treasure? What is it? And will you be willing to share... mwhaha!

Needing positivity

2011-01-21T18:02:00.003+10:00

I've been absent from here for awhile. It wasn't my intention, but I've stayed away from here (and even Twitter and Facebook) because I needed to get a grip on what's happening in my life right now.

None of it is particularly positive. Oh, let's be honest, I feel like Murphy's singled me out and taken a giant shit over me and my family. I don't really want to talk about it right now. Later on, when I have a grip on it and have some perspective, I might share.

Until then, I'm looking for things to keep me occupied. Escapism is fun.

Lilly's helping a lot. She's mental. And I should have been more specific when I said she was pooping in the house... she's fully toilet trained, but when she is disciplined or we don't give her what she wants, she throws a tantrum, and that's when she poops. It hasn't happened lately which is good!

I've been thinking about doing a v-log post for awhile. Even thought about doing one a few days ago. But honestly, I can't be bothered at the moment, and I also look like shit from the stress of what's going on in my life right now, and I don't want to. You're going to have to wait to see my smiling face... perhaps when I'm actually smiling?

General musings

2011-01-08T18:22:00.004+10:00

I put hot pink acrylics on a guy last night. It was weird. They looked good when they were done, but it was weird. I think what really threw me was working away in my girly sanctuary and having that distinct male scent in the room amongst all the chemicals. Yeah, it was weird.

I currently have 11 tops for sale on eBay, and all of them have bids with under two days to go. I've taken photos of another 11 to list', which I'll do this weekend. I also have another small pile, a plastic storage container, and more items in my wardrobe to list. I plan on using the money to help pay off my credit card, but we'll see what happens. I want to order some loyalty cards so I can try and entice people to keep coming back to me to have their nails done.

My "Healthy 2011" plan is off to a good start so far. I went to the gym before work each morning, put in 45 minutes solid cardio, and took breakfast and lunch to work instead of buying it. I had a sneak peek at the scales yesterday and I was down, so hopefully it stays that way and I can keep making some progress.

Speaking of progress, Matt and I have our 5th anniversary approaching in March, and I want to do something special. Originally we wanted to have a week away somewhere, but with our current employment situations, that's not going to happen. A friend of some girls I went to school with has started a photography business, so I'm thinking about booking us in for a couple's shoot. I'd love to get some great photos of the two of us, and some of us on our own, too, and our anniversary seems like an appropriate reason to get some professional shots done. I'm antsy about my weight, but if I book the photoshoot for the end of March, that gives me three months to make a serious dent in my weight loss. Opinions, anyone?

I have two weeks left at work before my contract's over. I'm grateful that I got nearly 6 months work out of a contract that was originally supposed to be four weeks, and while I'm nervous about the prospective unemployment - especially with Matt already struggling to find work - I'm ready to move on. I've done some good work there, and implemented some processes that will stay and be carried on by the person who got the permanent position I didn't get, so in a way it's good to know that I've left my mark. I'm looking for a permanent position now. I've decided to keep doing nails part-time, mainly as a hobby, and look for a good paying job so that we can start getting on with life. I've gotten onto the employment agencies I've dealt with over the past year and have let them know to look out for both contract and permanent positions. There's also been a few good jobs advertised online so I've applied for those on my own too.

Lilly's being a little shit. She's developed a penchant for pooping in Matt's spare room, she's started digging around in the backyard, and now she's not afraid of water she'll run around and jump in puddles until she's soaked. She caught and killed a bird a couple of months ago, and now whenever she runs around the backyard she gets dive-bombed by other birds, although it doesn't phase her. I'm really hoping she doesn't grow much bigger, she's already 4.5kg and quite solid! Here's the latest picture of my fur baby:

It's hard to be mad at her when she looks at you so damn sweetly...

If the first week is an indication of how 2011 is going to pan out, so far it's not too bad. I'll be a lot happier once I've landed a stable job. I'll also be relieved when we know what's going on with my dad. He has more appointments and tests over the next couple of weeks, so we've got our fingers crossed.

Resolutions

2011-01-04T13:10:00.003+10:00

I was thinking about what I wanted to achieve this year, and I couldn't really come up with anything straightaway. I wasn't worried that much, so far the main priority is getting work and hanging onto it. Speaking of work, I'm back today to work the last 3 weeks of my contract, and I put my diary on my desk - geez, I'm starting to get good at this 'organisation' business - and decided to write down whatever goals/ideas came to mind.

So far, I've got:

Get a permanent job.
Get my weight under control; and by control, I mean DOWN.
Pay off my credit card and halve the limit.
Work on getting some savings behind me.
Give up Coke. Again.
Do the 10k Bridge to Brisbane. Aim to run/jog most of it.
Have a professional photoshoot done. I've wanted to do this for years, and now I've found a reasonably priced photographer who does great work. I'd like to do this after making some progress on Dot Point #2.
Totally declutter my house. I've started this, on my break I reorganised our linen cupboard and bathroom vanity, and I've made a start on clearing out excess clothes.
Practice my nails and advertise more often/properly. I've also dreamt up a business name that nobody else has used (woohoo!) so I'd like to register that name and make it all legal.

Not too shabby for someone who reckoned they wouldn't have a list...

Review time!

2011-01-02T09:48:00.002+10:00

First of all, the ancient history: 2009, 2008, 2007 & 2006.
If you're planning on clicking back through each year, all the links on the older pages are broken. I'd fix it, but I can't be bothered at the moment. Forewarned is forearmed.

And now...

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? I walked out on something. I’m not a quitter in any sense, but early this year I started a long-term contract job and hated every minute. I decided that I was only a casual worker, and why should I willingly stay in a work situation I’m not happy in, when I have the complete freedom to walk away? So I did just that after 6 weeks.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did fairly well on my ‘resolutions’ this year, much better than years gone by, anyway. I did my first 5k, gave up all soft drink for 6 months (although I’ve sadly taken up the consumption of Coke again…), and studied something I’ve wanted to for years. Next year my resolutions are going to be a lot simpler.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Actually, quite a few of my friends had babies this year – too many to remember off the top of my head! We also got our fur baby Lilly, which could technically count as a birth, she was born in April!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no. This is the first year since 2006 that we haven’t lost anyone.

5. What countries did you visit? The same number as always – zero.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? A permanent, stable job, a thriving part-time business, and maybe a new car!

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Feb 19, my first ever concert (Paramore!), July 10, I finished my nail course, the weekend of Aug 28-29, went to see my first live AFL match (‘carn the Swannies!) and did my first 5K in 51:43.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I finally became a qualified nail technician! After 5 plus years of saying “I wouldn’t mind learning how to do that” – I did, and now I have my own little business that I can build on.

9. What was your biggest failure? I don’t see anything I did this year becoming an epic fail. Could be a first for me!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just the usual sinus issues.

11. What was the best thing you bought? All my nail business equipment… oh, the pretties!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Matt bought me a puppy! I was in a pretty celebratory mood this year… I was happy about lots of things!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Right now I’m very pissed off with the public hospital system – Dad’s waiting for all these specialist appointments and tests, and the departments can’t even speak to each other to book the tests before the consults!

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills, nail products, clothes, craft items. In that order. Priorities!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Lots of firsts this year – concerts, footy matches, 5k fun run… and my birthday party which is second only to my 21st! Oh, I also got two new piercings, taking my total to 7, and I’ve officially been banned from getting any more. BUT I WANT JUST ONE MORE, THEN I’LL STOP, I SWEAR. (Um, although I said that three piercings ago… but I mean it this time! Maybe.)

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? Songs from Thirsty Merc’s album Mousetrap Heart – they sound absolutely awesome live, they always do. And probably Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream too. That damn Peacock song is very infectious…

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
(a) Happier or Sadder? I’d say happier. I’ve done a lot to make this year a memorable one, for all the right reasons!
(b) Thinner or Fatter? I think I’m about the same. Okay, so there’s this year’s epic fail.
(c) Richer or Poorer? Poorer. Bouts of unemployment will do that to you. But we still are very lucky to have all that we do!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Drinking. Haha! I think I’m making up for not drinking in my teens and very early 20’s.
Seriously though? I don’t know. Worked on my fitness and stuff, for one thing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Procrastinating. Think that answer is pretty similar to what I said last year!

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2010? Breakfast at home with Matt, pancakes, bacon and eggs, yum! Visited my in-laws who didn’t put lunch on this year, then hung out at home a bit more before Christmas dinner with my parents.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010? I fall in love on a daily basis. Sometimes that love extends to wanting to slap him stupid, but it’s love nonetheless.

22. How many one-night stands? Too many to count. No, really. If you believe that, you’re a douche. Zero!

23. What was your favorite TV program? Big Bang Theory. Hands down.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nah. Looooove, not hate!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Did I discover anything new? I don’t know. If I can’t think of anything, I’ll say no.

27. What did you want and get? A qualification, a puppy, and a lot of good times!

28. What did you want and not get? Another piercing. A tattoo. That hot body I’ve been wanting for a few years now… and the job I lusted after, which I missed by thismuch.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? Inception. A bit of a predictable choice, but that shit was HARDCORE.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? My birthday this year fell on a wonderful Saturday, so I didn’t work for a change! Myself, my mum and my two closest friends organized my bridesmaid dresses, then picked up the gear for the party that night, before drinking and partying the night away in recognition of my 23rd. Twas awesome, and second only to my 21st purple party extravaganza. Oh, and I had a lot of pussy. Pink pussy, that is. A shot.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting the job that seemed too good to be true – which it was, because I didn’t get it.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
“Oh, this doesn’t fit.”
Couple of months later: “Crap, it fits! It looks good” *compliments received*
Couple of months later: “Oh, it doesn’t fit anymore…”
Lather, rinse, repeat. Several times.

33. What kept you sane? Sanity is seriously overrated. Good times with family, friends and things that make you happy are great things.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? While I usually don’t care about these things, I have to admit it: WILL SMITH is HOTT. In fact, I’d keep watching I Am Legend despite the shitty ending, just to see that chin-up scene again. I also found myself impressed by Leonardo DiCaprio, which is astounding because up until a couple of years ago he used to shit me to tears.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? I wouldn’t say stirred, but amused that Australia had a federal election and the hot topics were “Would you prefer a PM with freaky dangly earlobes, or one that sports a budgie smuggler?” Oh yes, only serious issues are dealt with in this country…

36. Who did you miss? I had everyone with me that I needed.

37. Who was the best new person you met? I met lots of new people, all of them awesome. One of the upsides of doing contract work, I guess.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. Corny, but “You reap what you sow.” In other words, I made the effort to be happy, and was rewarded with true happiness. Soppy, huh?

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock…”
Okay, no. But you can see how that song is catchy, right?
I can’t actually think of anything fitting…

Strength

2010-12-23T15:02:00.002+10:00

I have a vivid memory of sitting in a classroom, ten years ago. We had a project; the A-Z of me.

I was asked to share one of my letters with the class, and I had written:
"H is for hero. My dad is my hero, because he had cancer and he beat it."

Some little bastard laughed at me, and it took all of my control not to get up and beat the shit out of him.

Now my hero is facing cancer again, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Actually, there's nothing anyone can do about it yet, because the tests have come back inconclusive... again.

The New Year will begin with more testing, and then God knows what else. Surgery, radiotherapy, whatever.

I never knew what FML stood for until a few weeks ago. It's fairly apt, now.

Fuck My Life.

Why We Don't Have A Maid...

2010-12-15T11:50:00.003+10:00

I got home from work and Matt was mowing the backyard.

Me: "Watching you mow makes me hot."
Him: "Really?! Watching you clean makes ME hot."
Me: "...so why is the house always dirty?"

Reason #897890 That I know Matt Loves Me.

2010-12-10T22:36:00.002+10:00

Christmas 2007

Because why else would he willingly wear this, AND let me take photographic evidence??

(If he ever finds out I put this online... I'm FUCKED.)

Monday is a bitch.

2010-12-06T13:25:00.003+10:00

It's absolutely pouring rain today. Bordering on torrential, even. It's been raining for awhile now, with no end in sight. My domestic God (Matt) is at home again this week, while the washing piles up around him. We have a dryer, of course, and I have used it a bit this quarter, so I don't really want to use it now - especially because we're due for our bill, which will fall bang on New Years. I haven't got any money aside to lessen the pain, and sure as hell can't starting putting any aside now, because we're down to my income only, and half of that is rent alone.
Matt can't even really get out and mow lawns... it's just too damn wet.

The rain brings with it terrible moods, of course. Today is a sort of "woe is me" day, where I want to stay home and turn the place into a Chinese laundry. I've run out of gym clothes, including my sports bras, and my towel could probably grow legs and walk itself to the gym equipment tomorrow morning. I have a second gym towel, which even has a little zip pocket for my locker key, but I haven't seen that since well before I started my weekday ritual 6 weeks ago. I'd buy another one, but again with the single income thing.

I'm still trying to get over not getting the job I wanted. I know it's not because I couldn't do it, but merely because there was one aspect that I couldn't show I'd had previous experience. I was really hoping that we could move house at the end of January, but that's looking doubtful now. I know we're going to be slapped with a rent increase, I'm just hoping it's not more than $20 a week. The house isn't worth what we're paying for it as is - I actually found nicer, bigger houses going for $20-30 a week LESS than what we're paying, not too long ago. We'll see.

Area 51 (aka Assorted Rants)

2010-12-01T13:29:00.002+10:00

This is the 51st post I've written this year. That's pretty damn slack. But too bad.

I found out yesterday I didn't get the job because of just one thing I don't have experience with. I'm disappointed, but I had a feeling it would happen, so I'm not devastated. Luckily for me, I've been extended yet again until the end of January, so I have some security over Christmas/New Year. That's what I was really worried about, so that's a weight off my shoulders.

Dad still hasn't been called back to the hospital for more tests, however they have sent a letter to Dad's GP explaining everything from the first appointment. The GP told Dad that regardless of how the lump in his neck originated, it's probably going to be cancerous. As a result, I'm now starting to question whether or not God has any fucking idea what he's doing, because to inflict a second bout of cancer on one of the sweetest, gentlest and most compassionate men walking the Earth is FUCKING PATHETIC. Also - considering how pissed off I currently am with the man upstairs, planning a church wedding is going to be fun, dontcha think?! Fuck.

While I'm pissed off, I really don't give a shit about Oprah and whether or not she comes here. Seriously. Learn to correctly pronounce the country's name, for stuff's sake. I could be one of the only people in Australia that doesn't give a shit, but I don't care. Big deal. Bugger off. Even better, don't fucking come.

I blew a hole in my car's exhaust on Friday morning. While I'm waiting to get the money together to have it repaired, I'm driving around in a 1988 VL Commodore, the car that's supposed to be our spare while Matt repaints our daily drives. It's nearly as old as me, but it drives super smooth. Shame about the fuel consumption though, I've used $30 worth of petrol in two days. Despite that, I'm enjoying having 6 cylinders propelling me in any direction I wish.

It's nearly time to start thinking about what I want to accomplish in 2011. One of the things that comes to mind straightaway is the desire to stop swearing. But you know what? Fuck it. Don't think it's going to happen.

Oh, and happy December. Eighteen days until my birthday, 25 until Christmas, and 31 until I can repeat last years NYE experience by drinking from 4pm until I pass out at 11:45pm.

And the waiting begins...

2010-11-19T08:49:00.002+10:00

I had my interview on Wednesday. It went fairly well, I thought. They interviewed three people, myself included, so I guess those are decent odds.

I should know the result by the middle of next week. I'm petrified, and trying not to get my hopes up at all, because if I don't get the job then I can just say that I expected it.

There is a tiny, tiny part of me that has my fingers crossed so tightly they're about to pop off.

Scared

2010-11-15T10:34:00.003+10:00

I mentioned here that Dad is having some tests done.

His appointment is this Wednesday afternoon (the same day as my job interview), and he's seeing an ear, nose and throat specialist. I wasn't sure what this had to do with his arm, until Mum said they've found a lump in Dad's neck.

It could be anything. I mean, he's lost a crapload of weight recently, so maybe it's his thyroid... or something.

I really don't want to think about it being the C-word. Not now. There's no point getting worked up about it until the results come back.

But I'm scared. We all are.

Sun(burn), surf and sand... and work

2010-11-11T11:39:00.004+10:00

Matt and I went to Coolangatta last weekend for a mini getaway. Thirsty Merc are touring again so I thought I'd make a weekend of it! It was lovely - the two of us walking around everywhere, going to the beach, shopping, eating, and live music! I can now say I've been across the border into NSW. I realised that my iPhone had detected the border crossing and I had to remove the daylight savings when I got home.

We got a couple of nice photos, some of the view, a nice one of the two of us (my arms are never long enough when taking a self portrait when Matt's in it!) and he got one of me being smashed by a wave.

As usual, despite me slathering on the sunscreen at regular intervals, I got burnt to a crisp. My forehead, nose and shoulders have now started to peel, but my poor legs are still red and sore. I desperately need to shave, but there's no way I'm doing it while the sunburn is still there... ouch!

However, I will need to shave relatively soon, because yesterday I was given a time to be interviewed for the job I applied for. Yay! I have to wait a week for my interview. I'm nervous, because it's been over four years since I sat down for a structured job interview, but I know the job and I know I'm more than capable, so I just need to put that across on the day. As long as I remember that I'm a lot more confident now than I was even 12 months ago!

Anxious

2010-11-04T11:45:00.002+10:00

So much for me posting every day this month. Oh well, it's not like it matters.

I found out today that over 30 people applied for the job I want. I'm inwardly shitting myself because it's supposed to be an unpopular role. All I can hope is that most of the other applicants are crap, and I'll have an advantage because I'm already working here under a contract and know (almost) everything. I really want this job, especially if Matt and I want to move into a nicer house.

I'm very flustered today... work has been insane this morning! I've had lots to fix up, some other things to work on and an emergency situation just popped up.

At this rate, I'll be worn out by tomorrow afternoon!

Melbourne Cup... meh.

2010-11-02T10:10:00.002+10:00

Today 'the race that stops the nation' takes place - and I must be in the tiny minority of people who don't give a shit. Horse racing bores me. I couldn't even be bothered putting on a fascinator this morning. My excuse is that I didn't throw it in my gym bag, but I'm just in boring office clothes. I really don't care! I can't even comprehend how a state gets a public holiday just to watch some horses and get drunk...

I do get a free lunch out of it though, so maybe I should pull my head in!

November!

2010-11-01T08:17:00.004+10:00

I can't believe it's November. This year has just flown by! I've accomplished heaps, but at the same time it doesn't really feel like too much has happened. So far, it's been a good year. I say 'so far' because you never know, do you?

Being November, I'm going to try and post every day, but I don't think I'll put myself down for NaBloPoMo. Last time I did that, I crashed and burned. The past year or so my posting record has been pretty bad, so I want to make more of an effort.

Anyway, news...

The biggest thing to happen over the past few days is my Dad being referred to hospital for an MRI. He's been having some issues with one of his arms for awhile now, pain, difficulty moving it and holding things. His GP sent him for an ultrasound which came back inconclusive, so he's being referred for an MRI with a note to check his lymph glands. We're all stressing about it, although there's nothing that can be done about it until the scan is done. Dad having cancer twice before and now being checked for it again is SCARY. Dad has another GP he sees specifically for his pain management, and that doctor checked his glands as well and said he couldn't feel anything abnormal. He mentioned it may be arthritis. I swear I can remember Dad saying that he'd been told he'd probably develop rhumatiod arhritis in that arm... but Mum can't. So, fingers crossed that when the results come back, they say that Dad's got arthritis.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of working on my fitness... I do feel like a failure where this topic is concerned. I lost 8kg early on in the year, but now I'm back where I started. Except I feel even more uncomfortable, so I may be even bigger. Even my fat pants are getting very snug, and I refuse to go up yet another size. I changed gyms a couple of months ago so I have a gym buddy. This is the second week we've been going to the gym before work. I went all five mornings last week and I did feel a bit better - I just need to pair this up with better eating and I might see a bit of a change before Christmas.

I sent off my job application last Wednesday, which was the day the advertisement closed. It was a big relief to finally get it done and gone. I'd looked at it so much it was all blurring into one continuous sentence! I got a reply saying it's been received and they'll be in touch in due course. Knowing the organisation it'll be awhile, but that's okay, because I've been told I'm being kept on contract until the position is filled.

I've found a different route to work, which is exciting for me because I'm useless with directions. I think it takes about the same amount of time, but it's a very scenic route and there's almost no traffic. I love that there's no traffic, because it's very hilly and my poor little car doesn't like hills. It never has been good with hills, but now it's slowly dying and I can have my foot flat to the floor and only just make it up a slight incline. I think I might ask Santa for a new car this year!

If you think you're seeing dots, you are.

2010-10-26T12:45:00.003+10:00

Dot points!

Matt gave me a bunch of flowers. Then he gave me a second bunch of flowers. Three days after he gave me the first bunch. I asked him what he'd done wrong, and he said "nothing... yet." Bless him.
My hair has grown so much that when there's a breeze - wait for it... - MY HAIR MOVES. Of its own free will. The first time it happened, it scared the crap out of me. It's now almost into the shape I want it, and then I can just let it grow out. I'm looking at getting it into a bob-style shape down to roughly my chin. Considering I am usually screaming "CUT IT OFF!!! ARRGGGHHH!!!" after 4 weeks, this is a monster achievement.
We forgot to pay our rent last fortnight. Yeah... Matt's fault. And I'm not joking, either. I was convinced it was due, and then he convinced me otherwise. In conclusion, TOTALLY MATT'S FAULT.
I tried to get drunk on Saturday night, and I just didn't have the enthusiasm. Mixing and then drinking numerous cocktails is hard work, you know. However, Matt did get drunk, which is a rarity, so I took the opportunity to hijack his Facebook page while his phone was unattended. It was a bit of a letdown, because one, he didn't realise I'd done it, and two, he doesn't have that many Facebook friends.
I have an epic salt craving lately, and I try to fool myself into thinking I'm being healthy by getting sushi and drowning it in soy sauce. Because that's so much healthier than other salty food. My arteries are probably rock hard by now.
After 12 months of contract work, I'm applying for a permanent position. The company I'm temping for is recruiting for someone to do the job I'm pretty much already doing, so I'm going for it. I've filled out an 8 page application, updated my resume, and now I just need to write a cover letter. The advertisement closes tomorrow, so guess what I'll be doing tonight? Do you know how difficult it is to write a cover letter while trying not to repeat something you've already written over 8-10 pages? DAMN HARD. I think my cover letter should say "Hire me because I'm awesome," but somehow I don't think that will cut it.
I've reintroduced myself to my iPod, because the two people I share an office with are on holidays, and it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Cue my bad singing and chair dancing.

Have a quarter-life wedding crisis? "I do..."

2010-10-18T14:14:00.004+10:00

I think I'm entering my quarter-life crisis a bit early.

You see, I want to get married. Well, I've always wanted to get married, hence accepting Matt's proposal almost 4 years ago (!), but now, I really want to get married. As in wanting to plan, and book things, and Lord, even walk down the aisle AND CHANGE MY NAME.

And this is totally justified, because in my head my life plan is to be done having kids by 30, and ideally I want 2 kids, preferably a couple of years apart, and of course I want to spend time with Matt as just US after being married for awhile.

Logical, right?

Count backwards with me.

Thirty, with two kids. Have the second one at around 28-29. Have the first one around 26. Get married at 24. I'm 23 in December. TWENTY-THREE. Gulp.

Shit, I'm getting old!

So, to be married at 24, I'd need to get married in 2012, which is perfectly logical if you ask me. Far enough away so that I don't totally freak out, but close enough to plan and book, and look at expos, and colours, and who else I can ask to be a bridesmaid...

Matt thought I was going through another one of my brief "ooh, isn't this a pretty dress?" phases until he kept catching me on wedding websites and Google image searches. He put his foot down briefly - "I'm not marrying you until you do more housework" - but I recently scored a small victory in the fact that he agreed that we need to put together a savings plan if we want to get married soon. WIN!

For our wedding, Matt only has two requests: that he can wear a blue suit (OH HELL NO), and that we have a Catholic ceremony. (Why do I think I've said all this before? Oh, right, I have, in my last brief moment back in June.) Since then, my colours have changed, because although I refuse to have my groom in a blue suit, I am willing to compromise and let him have a blue shirt. Even though he won't let me keep my maiden name.

Yeah, I'm going to be an awesome wife.

I thought I'd be intelligent and do some research on Catholic weddings, because although we're both Catholic, I have no idea about how a ceremony would run. And the list of requirements?

The following information I can find:

We have to register as parishoners at our chosen church and attend mass for a minimum of 6 months before asking to be married (understandable)
If living together, the church can ask that you move into separate abodes for a certain amount of time leading up to the wedding. Because of the whole 'living in sin' thing. Unless they deem that you are living together because of economic circumstances, not because you like to spoon.
Attendance of pre-marital classes at the church - including the Natural Family Planning class where you and your future husband are encouraged to monitor your monthly cycle to avoid unwanted pregnancy. (If I asked Matt to do this, he would DIE. The extent of his expertise is announcing "You're going to be a bitch this week, aren't you?" when I have my period.)
Oh, and after all this, they can still refuse to marry you at any stage.

Considering all I have to go off is information I've found through Google and WeddingBee (I did find a forum where people were discussing Catholic ceremonies, and several of the brides were practising Catholics), does anyone else know about this stuff? Matt's said he's never heard about any of this before, but insists that even if these are the requirements, if I want to marry him I'll have to do it.

Good thing I love him, I suppose!

(And FYI - I did housework ALL DAMN WEEKEND, and was rewarded with dinner at an Italian restaurant, a movie, and gooey looks. So was doing 10 loads of laundry on top of everything else worth it? Yup.)

Business, as usual

2010-10-15T08:19:00.003+10:00

My nail business has dropped right off over the past couple of weeks. I had quite a few regulars, some new people, and even a bridal party of 6. Everyone's disappeared! Right now I have three regulars, my mum and my two closest friends. Hardly a booming business at the moment.
I'm feeling a little relieved, though. It was getting to the point where I was fielding constant phone calls and emails while at my day job - and I spent most nights and weekends working as well. It was good to see the money, but I was sacrificing a lot, like free time, and my sanity.

My free online ad expired last week, and I haven't gotten around to drafting a new one. I've cut back my trading hours to Thursday and Friday nights, and Saturdays. I've also nixed my half price offer, for two reasons. One, I was getting every Tom, Dick, and Harry ringing for appointments and then cancelling at the last minute (or even worse, not showing up!) and two, I was losing money. I'm not going to go into exact dollar figures, but offering a half price service means barely getting enough money to cover the products you've used, without even looking at labour. I've decided that if I'm going to do it, I want to actually benefit from it by making some money - that's the whole point of working for yourself! Depending on how business is leading up to Christmas, I may consider working another couple of nights a week - but it has to be worth it.

Working from home when your business is client-based can bring with it a few issues. My big issue is I was making appointments with people, confirming times, and then having them cancel once I'd provided my home address. That in itself is making me feel quite uncomfortable - there are now a few strangers out there with my address, who can deduce that I work full time purely because of what times I'm offering appointments. Our house is secure, and we have neighbours who keep an eye on the happenings in the street, but that's not the point. For future advertisements and appointment bookings I'll be stipulating that new clients need to confirm their appointment with me the day before (or day of) before I give them my address. I list my suburb when I advertise, so there's no reason for people not to have a rough idea of where I am.

I'm going to be taking advantage of the brief hiatus - my house (and wardrobe) desperately needs a spring clean, and now that Matt has his ute, we can even do a few runs to the tip and clear out some rubbish. I'm excited!

Permanent Upside of a Temporary Situation

2010-10-06T19:08:00.004+10:00

It's hard to believe that my redundancy came through 11 months ago. I remember watching the calendar as the days went by, shitting myself about what I was going to do when I lost my job. Scared about what was going to happen to me, to us as a couple, when we'd just moved out together. I told myself, and anyone who would listen that the redundancy would be the best thing that happened to me.

And so far, it has.

I finally studied a course I've wanted to do for a long time. I have a qualification and an opening into an entirely different industry. The opportunity to work for myself. The flexibility to work from home when we eventually have kids. It's all there.

Those were all things I expected. What I wasn't expecting was how much I'd grow and evolve as a person during this year.

I decided to do contract work, mainly because I didn't want to jump into another permanent job straightaway. My plan was to finish my course, build up some clients, and move into a salon.

What I wasn't expecting was the personal growth that happened when I was thrown into different situations.

I've had four jobs this year - matching the number of jobs I'd had since I started working. I've done different roles, in different departments, even in very different locations. One contract had me driving an hour each way! It's been great to build on my experience, and my resume certainly looks good with four local government contracts on it!

The personal growth I've experienced over this period is what's surprised me though. Twelve months ago, I was sitting in a cubicle, lamenting that I wasn't well liked, worrying what other people thought of me. Wanting to advance my career, but knowing that I wouldn't get the chance. Not wanting to step out of my comfort zone, and certainly not wanting to meet new people.

Today? I feel almost a totally new person. I've had enough contracts now that I've lost my nerves. I walk in, meet everyone, and do my job. I no longer care if people like me - it's not my problem. What temping has done for my confidence, I'm stoked! I've met some great people, too.

I knew to some degree that the redundancy was going to be the best thing that happened to me, but know I really know. It's sad to think that if the redundancy never happened, I could quite possibly be sitting in that same cubicle, watching my life go by!

Could this be IT?

2010-10-04T09:30:00.002+10:00

I’m going to voice something that’s been in my thick skull for a long time.

I’m an emotional eater. The first sign of any emotion, of any kind, and I want to wrap my jaws around it. I’m happy – eat. I’m sad – eat. I’m angry – eat. I’m stressed – eat. I’m bored – eat. I’ll stop this paragraph now, because if I don’t, it’ll never end. Basically, you name the emotion, I’ll eat to try and numb it. I eat to gain control.

I was a good kid growing up. I did well at school, stayed away from the bad crowds (oh, who am I kidding, even then I was the unpopular one) and was good to my parents. My only letdown: food.

It wasn’t really until high school that the weight started to pile on. I started at my new high school and discovered they sold Coke – something that was strictly off-limits to students at my primary school. So I’d have at least one 600ml bottle of Coke every day. I’d buy one first thing in the morning, and sometimes I’d have one with lunch, too.

Food was my form of rebellion, although it’s something I’ve only just realised in the past few months. Mum would pull me aside at home and gently mention my increasing size, and after a few years they turned into screaming matches. Well, not really screaming matches, I’d sit there in silence while Mum ranted, usually cry, and then stuff my face the moment I was alone. I wasn’t doing anything bad by eating – you need to eat!

My size didn’t worry me despite the trend I was noticing. At 14, I was wearing a size 14. At 16, I was wearing a size 16. A few weeks ago I found a photo of me at 15 – wearing size 14 jeans. It’s a bit hard to gauge my true size in that photo; I didn’t get boobs or hips until I was 17. (Yeah, I jumped 4 cup sizes in under 6 months.)

The first shock for me was when I went to buy my formal dress. I tried it on, a size 18, and the zip wouldn’t go all the way up. Mum said it was about an inch from the top. I still wanted to buy it – and Mum gave me the weight loss talk on the spot there and then. I was determined – and I bought it. Over the next few months, just before I went to bed, I did 20 stomach crunches. I don’t remember eating any differently. The next time I tried on the dress, the week before my formal, it zipped all the way up – despite the fact my boobs had already jumped up 3 cup sizes. Mum later admitted that when I bought the dress, she’d lied. She’d said at the time that the zip had stopped an inch before the top, but it was really about five. I’d never weighed myself before and after the dress episode, and I wish I had. I think I was around 80kg when I finished school.

The year school’s a bit of a blur. I got into uni, but decided not to go, I went to TAFE one night a week, but wasn’t really into it, and I worked part time.
The year after that one, 2006, I decided to do something about it. I’d just turned 18. I signed up for one of those programs with two shakes a day, low carbs, and no caffeine. I weighed in that January at 99.5kg. I bawled my eyes out, and said that I’d never hit the 100kg mark. I stuck to the program for two weeks – lost 1.5kg and then quit. Then I got the flu, or whatever was going around at the time, and when I got over it, my appetite didn’t return. In an 8 week period, I dropped 8kg. I felt good, everything was fitting better, I was getting compliments, and feeling more confident. So confident, in fact, that when I was asked out on a date by a guy I worked with (let’s call him Matt, shall we?) I said yes.

I have a rather candid photo of myself from our first date – I don’t know who took it, but I was in the middle of saying something and pointing at something else. I was wearing size 16 jeans that I had to keep hiking up, my stomach wasn’t looking too bad (by my standards) and I looked happy.

Our idea of dating for quite awhile was going out for drives, and then grabbing some food on the way back. Drive-thrus were convenient. You name it, we ate it. We both ended up finding new jobs (him a few months before me) as we worked with a lovely bunch of people who decided to make our lives hell after we started dating. I landed my first office job, and after awhile started having bad back pain. I went and saw a doctor at my clinic, although not my regular one, and he bluntly told me it was weight related because of my size and how I was carrying my weight. We got engaged after 9 months, and in that time I’d stacked on 10kg, putting me over that 100kg mark.

So again, I made the effort to lose some weight. I counted calories, joined a gym, and lost 7kg. Again, people were noticing. Matt was proud of my efforts, and I was feeling good about myself. Then a few turn of events – death in the family, lost my job – and I turned back, you guessed it, to food for comfort.

That was the last time I lost a half-decent amount of weight. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve said “right, this is it” only to not even make an attempt. I’ve continued to gain, of course.

I say I don’t know what’s holding me back, but I don’t know if that’s entirely true. I think my ever increasing size is my shield.

I keep thinking that I’m not worth the effort required to get healthy. It’s ironic, considering everything else I’ve achieved so far this year; studying something I’ve wanted to do for years, starting to set up my own business – I obviously think I’m worth that, but I can’t bring myself to put the fork down!

There’s also a small part of me that thinks Matt will leave if I lose too much weight. He’s always been protective, and maybe even a little insecure. Rationally, of course he wants me to be happy and healthy... but what if I start getting attention from other men? He knows I would never, EVER cheat on him, but this is where it gets all irrational.

In a nutshell, I think I’m sick of being me. And being me means being seriously overweight and unhappy with myself. I’ve lost track of how many ‘last hurrah’s I’ve had over the past few years, saying that THIS TIME will be IT, but it never is. Who knows, this time mightn’t even be IT either. I think there’s something different this time, though. I think I might be just so fed up with myself that I’ve pushed myself past the point of no return.

Yep, have pulse.

2010-09-28T09:44:00.002+10:00

It's been over a month since my last post, and even longer since I wrote something semi-meaninful.

So what's happened while I've neglected my blog?

I completed my first 5K in a time of 51:43. Not hare fast, but not (totally) tortoise slow. I ran about 1km of it (including the last 600m, because I was RUNNING over that line, damnit!) and spent the next week hobbling around because I reinjured my ankle.
Had my work contract extended, one, two, three times. I now have work until mid-November, and I'm hoping that I get extended again because I think trying to find a new contract that close to Christmas will be pushing my luck.
Applied for a part-time admin job, but later found out that there were 300 applicants, most with more job-specific experience than I have. Still haven't had any feedback, but I'm writing that one off.
Speaking of work, Matt handed in his resignation, accepted another position, and it failed epically, so he's been out of work for just over 3 weeks now - STRESSFUL.
Had more fun toilet training Lilly, who went through a phase of trying to assert dominance by PEEING ON ME CONSTANTLY - but apart from a few little accidents, she's trained. Yay!
Got hired to do nails for a bridal party. I gave up a Sunday and worked 10 hours, and the results were great! The bride has promised to share some of her professional shots when she gets them back. Think of hand photos with rings, bouquets etc.
Dyed my hair. I went from dark brown to a fairly bright copper with a blonde splice down one side.
Started making Christmas presents. I can't afford lavish gifts this year, and anyway, handmade makes everyone feel special! This year I'm doing cross-stitches. I've made progress on Dad's (a large Welsh dragon, massive time sucker!) and have even brought supplies to work with me so I can work on the smaller projects on my lunchbreaks.

Then there's the other things, like trying to find time to do housework when I'm working two jobs. And trying to find a scrap of ME time amongst all that - which isn't really happening - and well, I guess that's why the blog fell by the wayside.

I probably shouldn't promise to definitely post more often, but I'll try to make more of an effort.

Death by craft.

2010-08-22T20:45:00.009+10:00

I love my crafts. I could do it forever and be quite happy.

Trouble is, I just don't have the time.

Between scrapbooking, card making, candle making, soap making and cross stitch... nothing gets done. Last weekend I finished a scrapbook page... for my school formal way back in 2004. The album is nowhere near finished. Actually, I have only finished two albums: our engagement party, and another scrapbook which was a gift for a friend.

Cross stitch is another craft which is taking over. I'm planning on making four or five separate cross stitches for Christmas gifts this year. My Dad's one is a design that I'd started in hope of having it finished for his birthday - in MAY. I joked that at the rate I was going I'd have it done for Christmas... and sadly, this is going to be the case. I have stacks of cross stitch patterns waiting to be done - and a couple partly started, oops - but it's just a case of knuckling down and getting them finished! Especially the ones I'm doing for presents this year... as much as I wish it not to be, Christmas is steadily approaching.

And yet, I find myself on Etsy looking at MORE cross stitch patterns. Not your average ones, though. The smartass, witty, dry humour ones.

Like this:

(Source)

This would be totally at home on a wall by my kitchen. Seriously, how cute are the cupcakes?!

Just another thing to add to my to-do list...

What crafts, if any, do you enjoy? And if you share... PLEASE tell me how you find time to do it all!

When Friendship Dies

2010-08-13T20:41:00.004+10:00

A couple of weeks ago, I went to get in touch with a friend I used to work with through Facebook. I clicked through to her profile... only to find I'd been deleted. I thought it was a bit strange, but sent her a message anyway asking if she wanted to catch up soon for lunch, now that my Saturday's are free again.

I never heard back.

I know that at most, I'd been deleted only a couple of weeks prior, as she'd commented on one of my photos. When I mentioned it to one of my other friends, she looked and found she'd been deleted as well. Later that night, she deleted another one of our friends.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who agonises over why someone has just cut contact with you. The usual questions. Is it something I said, didn't say, did, didn't do... who knows? I was a bit confused, hurt, and just damn curious.

Then I got over it... mostly.

I considered this person to be a good friend - although they were very hot and cold. That's what I originally thought when I realised I'd been deleted, that she was having a moment. It always seemed to be what she could get out of it for herself, how everything would affect her, etc. The two other friends that were deleted were friends I've really made an effort to keep in touch with lately, which has been a task in itself... and of course the 3 of us had written on each other's Facebook walls. I doubt it's a coincidence.

But you know what? Friendship is a two way street. Yes, I was a bit slack with keeping in touch with EVERYBODY I know. I was working 6 days a week - you do that and keep your entire social life running! Sure, I didn't call her, but she had my number, what's wrong with sending me a text, or even a message on Facebook before deleting me? She knew that my life has been full on so far this year - and I have been willing to catch up with friends in the limited time I had.

Maybe this 'friend' wasn't really a friend after all.

I have a couple of things of hers at my house... a DVD she lent me, and a newspaper clipping that I was arranging to blow up for her. I'm going to mail them back to her. If this is how she wants to be, then fine. It may sound harsh, but if 'friends' aren't going to make an effort with me... why should I do all the work? That's not what friendship is about, as far as I'm concerned.

I'm still a little pissed off, but knowing the person, I'm not really surprised it's happened. It still has me wondering a little, "am I a bad friend?" - but if I am I guess I'll be in the same boat as her.

And thus ends probably the most insightful post I've written for a LONG time.

(On a totally unrelated note, Blogger isn't notifying me when I receive comments. Trying to figure out why, so if you think I'm ignoring you, I'm not, promise!!! I'm a good bloggy friend, I hope!)

La di da

2010-08-09T19:21:00.002+10:00

I feel like I'm moving up in the world!

Our new furniture is assembled (I had to get a new coffee table to match the tv unit... you know how it is!), the tv is out, the new digital aerial is on the roof and connected - thanks Matt! - and our living room has had a mini makeover! I'd love a new corner lounge suite... but there's time for that later.

I had the job interview on Wednesday. I thought it went fairly well, but I didn't get the job. I'm not worried... I picked up a month's work somewhere else and start tomorrow. It's a little further out than I originally wanted to travel, but I'm saving time by avoiding the peak hour motorway traffic. Took a test run out there this morning and it's quite scenic!

On Sunday, I finally met the woman who was advertising for a nail tech to rent space. She's lovely. She's got over 10 years experience in the industry and has run her own salon before. We're going to keep promoting our own businesses for awhile - she mainly does spray tanning - and we're going to coordinate mailbox drops etc together. Yeah, I'm gonna be one of those people leaving you a little present! But come on, do you really want to say no to half price acrylics??? Anyway, once we have enough clientele, we can start looking for salon space. It'd be great if a couple of other girls came on board too. The eventual goal is to share the salon, but all be self-employed.

The Bridge to Brisbane is only THREE weeks away! Eek! Better get cracking...

Life is good.

2010-08-01T17:32:00.004+10:00

I may not be planning my wedding from the other side of the world, and I may not be packing up my life to move to another continent... but life is good.

Last weekend, we got a puppy. She's four months old (today, to be precise), she's a Chihuahua Pomeranian cross, and she's gorgeous. I have named her Lilly:

Yeah, I know. Gorgeous.
She looks a little less gorgeous after she's peed on the carpet for the bazillionth time, but we're making progress with the toilet training!

I've been out of work for two weeks now. I have an interview coming up sometime this week, so I'm hoping that I'll pick up a contract and have some work for a couple of months. I'm going insane at home, even with an adorable puppy, and I realised something. I have to work, even just to keep myself busy... I can't handle being at home! I have zero motivation to do anything, despite the humongous pile of clothes waiting for eBay, or the pile of soy wax waiting to be turned into candles and melts, or the canvas I've started to draw on but haven't yet painted...

At this point, I considered just getting a permanent job, for the stability. But I know what I'm like... I'll get comfortable, and then the time, effort, and the thousands of dollars I've poured into getting my nail career on track will be all for nothing. I know I'll get comfortable and then I won't do it. So while being out of work between contracts sucks, at least it's keeping my goal at the forefront of my mind.

Speaking of the nails, I've had my business cards for awhile now, and a little separate blog with some photos (haven't posted it here because it has my phone number listed... just being a little cautious!) and I bit the bullet last week and created a Facebook page for some self promotion - I think it's helping. I'm advertising half price acrylics at the moment and it's drumming up some business... yay!

Matt sold his Commodore last weekend (sniff, man we had some memories with that car!), and we decided to treat ourselves... Lilly, of course, a new TV unit... and a new TV to go on top of it! We are now up with the times, and have a 42 inch LCD TV... woot!

That's about it, really. I've been very slack with posting lately, but I'm going to start making more of an effort. I mighn't be country-hopping, but I can still have fun - and be fun!

Herbal

2010-07-24T12:06:00.005+10:00

I've been wanting to try my hand at growing a mini vegie/herb patch for awhile now. I don't know why I want to do it, since I usually kill everything I try to grow... but I thought I would try it nonetheless.

The condition, of course, was that the plants be portable. I didn't want to successfully grow anything and then have to leave it behind should we move. My original plan was to get some mini pots, some good quality potting mix, some seedlings, and hope like hell I didn't murder them. After walking around Bunnings this morning with Mum, we found this instead:

Hells yeah. A mini herb garden IN A BOX. Pot, soil, and seeds. Sweeeeeet. There's parsley, dill, basil and coriander. I'm going to put it all together tomorrow and put it out in my sunroom. There's always good light out there, and the sun heats everything up nicely. Hopefully soon I'll have seedlings!

I wish I was a skilled gardiner - although you have to start somewhere, right?

While we were walking around Bunnings, we found this awesome Bonzai. It has to be the biggest one I've ever seen, and it was stunning. It had a price tag of $215...

I'll keep track of any progress I make with my baby herbs... it'd be nice to actually cook with some, I never have before! Amateur gardener, amateur chef... ah well.

Wow, I'm slack!

2010-07-11T18:01:00.003+10:00

It's been nearly a month since my last post... I think that may be a record!

A lot has happened, but not really, if that makes sense?

I finished my course yesterday. I'm officially a qualified nail technician. It's awesome, but hasn't hit me. The realisation will come next Saturday when I don't have to be up at 7am to drive down the coast.

I'm getting better with acrylics. It's still taking me about twice as long as it ideally should, but the techniques are coming to me easier now, and I know I'm speeding up. This is a photo of my favourite set I've done so far:

My current work contract finishes this coming Friday, and I'm hoping I pick another one up straightaway, as I'm not in a position to be able to take a break... keep your fingers crossed!

And that's about it...

Wedding Fever

2010-06-18T18:17:00.010+10:00

Matt and I both have the flu right now.

Let me rephrase that - Matt got the flu, then he gave it to me, so now we're both suffering.

On a more positive note, I've been thinking about our wedding. Lots. I'm blaming the incredible Miss Aly for this. Although we have no date, looking at wedding stuff is starting to be fun!
(And yes... we've been engaged for 3 and a half years, and I haven't been interested at all until now.)

Where my wedding band is concerned, I've decided to be old school. That is, a plain platinum band with no diamonds. I know, I'm turning down the opportunity for more bling, but my dream eternity ring is mucho blingo. I like the idea of a plain wedding band anyway. My e-ring is white gold with a diamond solitaire, so it will look awesome with a plain band. See photos:

Obviously the wedding band would be just as shiny as the e-ring... just an example!

I've always wanted tulips as my flowers, because they're my favourite. I've picked purple, black and white as my colours. Purple, I know, don't be so shocked. I'm thinking of a really deep purple, like a plum, even. I think it'll look really classy with the black and white.

For the flowers, I've always loved tulips, because they're my favourite flower. I found some awesome purple ones while grocery shopping about a month ago.

Then I saw a photo and went "OHMIGOD that's my bouquet - it just needs to be purple!" so I snagged it for future reference:

GORGEOUS.

I just Googled purple bridesmaid's dresses and found this. LOVE.

I found an awesome wedding cake, too. That purple at the bottom of each tier is actually the purple I'm thinking about having. I would swap the pink cherry blossoms for purple tulips, and it would be perfect.
Also, a girl I went to school with does cakes now as a hobby, and what she's done is absolutely incredible! This cake would be simpler than others she's done.

And finally, it looks like I'm going to be having a church wedding. I've loved the idea of having a garden ceremony, but the other day Matt said he really wants a traditional Catholic ceremony. It's what his mum would have wanted, and I can totally see us doing it. Since neither of Matt's parents are here to see him get married (his dad passed away in 2004), I want to make the day as special as possible for him.
(Super duper special, because he's marrying ME after all!)

Clutter buster

2010-06-13T14:48:00.004+10:00

I'm in the middle of a rather large task at the moment - cleaning out my craft/computer room and organising everything so it's easy to find. I do things like this quite randomly, I let clutter build to the brink of explosion and then chuck a fit when I can't find something, before deciding to clear out EVERYTHING. I've done quite well so far, the floor is now clearly visible and my projects are slowly being compartmentalised into their separate categories.

I've filled two and a half large garbage bags of rubbish, as well as getting rid of all the shoeboxes and empty containers I tend to hang onto. I keep these things in an attempt to get organised and store everything neatly, but they add to the mess and I never end up using them!

Amongst the clutter, I found several unfinished projects. Three partly done cross stitches, a candle making idea (candles in cups and saucers!), an untouched soapmaking kit that I purchased before Christmas, and a couple of unfinished scrapbooks. It's all stuff I want to get around to, but with working and studying to excess, I feel like I have no time to sit down and get stuck into it... even though it would probably help my stress levels!

The other day I decided I want to do some painting. I haven't painted for years, since high school, even, but for some reason this idea popped up despite all the other crafty things I've got going on. I went out this afternoon and bought a 3 canvas set and some paints. There's no rush to get it finished so I can take my time with it.

Last weekend I attacked our bedroom - it was all my fault, as I've developed a rather nasty habit of not putting my clothes away. The floor was covered in clothes and I was annoyed because I could never find anything I wanted to wear! We can now walk around the bed, and I just have some more clothes to sort through and decide what to keep and what to part with.

I've got a bit to go before the entire house is up to scratch, but it's a lot better than what it was a week ago. Matt's convinced that I'm sick. I never willingly clean and I've been doing this with so much enthusasm he thinks there's something wrong with me!

Sunset

2010-06-07T18:09:00.001+10:00

I know I just said that I can't take photos of the gorgeous sunset on the way home... but I was naughty tonight.

It doesn't really do it justice... but it's still pretty cool!

Highway Driving 101

2010-06-02T20:12:00.002+10:00

I've been thinking about the pros and cons of doing the highway shuffle six days a week - and since I'm too tired to actually string sentences together, prepare for lots of points.

Pro: Most mornings I see hot air balloons.
Con: I'd like to do it, but I'm too chicken to consider getting into a wicker basket and being a bazillion metres in the air.

Pro: You can crank up the music. Basically, if you can hear yourself attempting to sing along, it's not loud enough.
Con: I can't hook my iPod up to my car stereo, so I currently have 14 songs on repeat. The CD plays in full once each way.

Pro: I've become a more confident driver. I used to hate merging and changing lanes. Now? If you're not going fast enough, you'll see the purple blur.
Con: I had my car serviced in March and it's running like crap. It doesn't like the long drives.

Pro: I have an extra 2 hours a day to think.
Con: I have an extra 2 hours a day to think.
Another con: I grind my teeth when thinking. A lot.

Pro: With the weather turning, I've mastered the art of doing 110kph down the freeway and blowing my nose at the same time. With my eyes open.
Con: I think that's a life skill I could do without.

Pro: I'm lucky to have a small, economical car.
Con: Going from filling up ONCE a MONTH to TWICE a WEEK hurts.

Pro: On the drive home, if the sky's clear, there are some truly spectacular sunsets.
Con: I can't take a photo of them, because I'm DRIVING. And it's pitch black by the time I'm home.

That's about all I can think of right now, but there's more...

Just call me Ms Wolf.

2010-05-28T18:41:00.004+10:00

I took a dive into my jewellery box the other night. After blowing the dust and cobwebs off, I found rings I forgot I had, bracelets, a couple of necklaces, and... all of these.

That's... ridiculous. Although some are gifts, and two were my grandmother's. It seems I have a watch fetish just like my dad.

The one on the far left is my current everyday watch. I'm loving the chunky filigree and fixed band. It's starting to get a little loose, which I find ironic. I've lost 5kg, and the only thing that's loose on me is my watch. Go figure.

I have now decreed that there is absolutely no excuse for me to not know the time at any given moment.

Five hundred.

2010-05-23T16:49:00.004+10:00

Well, this is it. My 500th post.

It's taken me three and a half years, three blogging platforms, and a recent name change to get me here.

When I sit back and think about what's happened in my life over those three and a half years, my head nearly explodes.

I've gotten engaged, worked my arse off, been made redundant, lost three family members, and moved out of home. I've set two wedding dates and then changed my mind.

I've learned that anyone will push you down and walk over you if they think they can get away with it. I've learned to stand up for myself, accept that I'm not perfect, and even start liking myself a bit.

I've become more outgoing. I could probably talk the hind leg of a donkey while conversing with a stranger, when before, I'd run. I've found a profession that I love, and with it comes self-employment, which has always been a "that'd be nice" concept.

I've met and made some AWESOME friends through the clicking of my keyboard, and that's something I want to continue.

I've laughed, cried, and bitched. (Oh, the bitching...) Now that I think about it, blogging is the second-longest committment I've made!

With that said, here's to the next 500, and the twists and turns yet to come.

Technically nailed.

2010-05-22T20:12:00.006+10:00

I'm so excited - the course is progressing! Seven weeks to go and then I'm officially a nail technician. Squee!

Last week I did my first ever full set of acrylics, a natural set. There's room for improvement, but I'm happy with how they turned out, especially for my first go:

Today I did my first French full set. Again, thre's room for improvement, but I'm stoked that I did them and they came up as well as they did:

Each set took between three and three and a half hours. Eventually I'll be able to do perfect sets in about an hour. Until then, practice, practice, practice!

On a side note, I managed to get one foot in both photos... and I'm wearing the same shoes on different days! Comfort, baby.

Cherry Delight

2010-05-16T18:38:00.011+10:00

I did something that nobody, under any circumstances, should EVER do.

I started looking at random stuff on eBay. Big mistake. Massive mistake. Monstrous mistake!

Scrolling through pages of mostly crap, but finding several gems and quickly watching the item before you forget about it.

I typed in a pretty generic term - cherry - and got bombarded with possibilities!

First of all, I found this cherry labret bar. I've decided it's perfectly kitsch and would look awesome in my Monroe piercing for a party or something:Then from there I looked at body jewellery (in a separate tab, of course!). Getting my belly button pierced is going to be one of my final rewards for finally shedding this weight, and now I'm more determined than ever after finding this:

Matchy matchy!

Also found a couple of other non-cherry body jewellery items that I can use for my Monroe/tragus.

Back to the cherries, and I found this bag, where I promptly hit the BUY IT NOW button because if I didn't, I would have kicked myself:
After that, I found this gorgeous dress, and after doing measurement conversions I know it's going to be too small, but it's just so damn CUTE and I could totally rock it in 30kg time with the matching Monroe and the belly bar hidden underneath:

By now, I should have stopped looking, because I seriously cannot afford ANY of this... but no. I found another bag, which looks like it would be perfect for schlepping my nail equipment to my course and back:

It's all just gorgeous - and I've always liked cherries... I just don't like eating them. You all remember that I don't eat fruit, right? Too cute to eat!

Out of whack.

2010-05-15T17:23:00.002+10:00

I am so glad I have work next week. Having the past three weeks off has thrown me right out of my routine. I never picked myself as someone needing a routine, but apparently I do!

I've had three whole weeks with nothing planned, and although I had a bit of an idea of things I wanted to do - sell things on eBay, start organising my sole trader status - I did pretty much just that. Nothing. I had the opportunity to go to the gym at whatever time of day and workout like a demon, and then come home and SLEEP if I wanted to. I didn't - I've been to the gym twice this week, and three times the week before that. I've been eating like the world is about to run out of food. The scales are telling me the result, and I'm in denial.

I'm disappointed in myself. It's like taking two steps forward, and one step back. I'm a little better off, but not really. I'm kicking myself.

Thanks to some eBay selling over the past couple of weeks, I'm $180 better off - but still with about 50 items left to sell. Everything I have left I am going to list in bulk lots of 2-4 items to try and save some time. The storage container is taking up space and I'm sick of looking at it.

I can't believe how easily I fell back into old habits. It sucks. I've been doing well so far this year at working on my goals, and now I feel like I've let some slip. I know I can work on them again and regain the ground that I've lost, but I'm so angry with myself that I slipped up so easily.

Time to get back on track - no excuses, just action.

Screwed Over: Reprise

2010-05-12T17:08:00.003+10:00

Okay, if there is a higher being in the blogging world, they heard me loud and clear after yesterday's bitchfest.

First thing this morning, the handyman came out to measure up the sunroom for the steel supports he needs to put in. Actually, he rang me late yesterday afternoon to say he'd be around, so there you go. He's said that the framework should be up in the sunroom by the end of the week, ready for the new roof, and he should be doing the gutters in the next few days as well. At least the major things look like they're finally going to be fixed. Also got another call from the smoke alarm company wanting to check ours on Friday.

Also first thing this morning, I got a phone call from my agency - I have a job! YAY! I start on Monday. It's going to be a decent drive for me, the furthest I'll have ever travelled to get to work, but it'll be good. I'm rocking the highway driving now - and I'll be going against the traffic so it shouldn't be too horrible. It's only a 4 week contract, but I'm grateful for whatever I can get right now!

The house is tidy, but I haven't been too enthusiastic about scrubbing it from top to bottom while I've been off. I'm doing bits and pieces, but in the next couple of days I'll get everything done so that I don't have to worry about it next week.

Screwed. Over.

2010-05-11T07:38:00.003+10:00

Our lease renewal arrived in the mail last week, and as expected, our rent has increased. I wouldn't have been too concerned, except here is a list of things that needed to be fixed when we moved in:

Leaky roof which leads to the sunroom flooding whenever it rains. As an extra, the floor out there is now warping and starting to rot.
Massive holes in the guttering around the house, especially right outside our bedroom window.
Poor drainage all around the house, leading to our storage area downstairs being full of mud and slush.

Now, nearly twelve months later, here is a list of things we're still waiting on (HINT: they're the same):

Leaky roof
Warped/rotting floor
Massive holes in gutters
Flooding/mud under the house

To say that I, um, LOST MY SHIT when I opened the lease paperwork may be a slight understatement. So it seems our lovely landlord feels quite entitled to ask for more money without fixing a damn thing. These are all major issues, and you know what, if I'd known how bad they were when we signed the first lease, we wouldn't have done it.

Unfortunately we aren't in a position to move at the moment. This is my third week without work, and things are starting to get a little tight. We don't want to move anyway, we're so close to everything and everyone, and apart from the repair issues, it's a nice house.

I went down to our agent, gave the signed lease back and asked just when these repairs were supposed to start. I've been promised I'll get a phone call this week because this is when the repairman is supposed to start work. I haven't been holding my breath, which is good, because it's Tuesday morning and I'd be dead by now. The guy's got until tomorrow afternoon to call me, or I'm going to start harassing the agent. I'm sick of being played and being constantly 'promised' that the work is going to be done.

Of course, as a tenant, I could take the matter further, probably by complaining to the tenants association, but I really don't want to do that - and I shouldn't have to. Plus, if I piss this lot off enough, we probably wouldn't get a reference for our next rental.

It bugs me that we're maintaining the house (hell, we've even done improvements without asking to be reimbursed) and the owner himself can't hold up his end of the bargain. The sunroom has always annoyed me, but now I'm doing nails out there (and subsequently storing nearly $1,500 worth of products there) I really shouldn't have to freak out about my possessions every time it rains.

Ah, how I've missed regular blogging. It's good to rant!

Chomping at the bit

2010-05-03T14:38:00.004+10:00

I've discovered that being (temporarily) unemployed is very bad for my waistline. I feel like all I've done today is eat, and considering that's actually a pretty fair assessment of my day... it's justified. Unfortunately.

I am (or perhaps, WAS) three kilos away from my first mini goal. That means I have lost 7kg since the beginning of the year. Not terribly fast progress, but good progress. I've also just realised that 7kg is also the most I've been able to lose previously, and I've equalled that record. Oh, how I'd love to break it.

Running out of ice cream and potato salad today is a good thing. Gymming every day this week, me thinks.

On a totally unrelated topic, the Great eBay Sale of 2010 is slowly progressing. Today I had intended to list another 20 or so things, but I just haven't been inclined to put the fork down to do it. The seven items I've sold thus far have earned me a total of $85, so for greed's sake I really should get around to selling the rest. I'll get stuck into it tomorrow, when Matt's at work (sucker) and I can play with my shiny new camera and crank up the music.

On another unrelated topic, I passed my manicure exam on Saturday. Woot! I scored 86% - and would have done better had I not started shaking like a leaf when the time came to use the red nail polish. The red induces performance anxiety, I'm certain - we have to use it as red shows up ALL your mistakes... give me another colour, and I'm fine. If you don't believe me, check out the awesome nail art I did after the exam!

I need to get ready for my post 8-week challenge assessment this afternoon. If the measurements are good, I'll share them. If I never mention it again, that's a sign. My assessment is to be followed by a 30 minute flogging from my trainer, and I have already vowed not to tell her about the ice cream, the potato salad, or yesterday's KFC lunch. She's gonna ask me about Saturday night's drunken Facebook fest, so that's unavoidable.

Oh yes, I got drunk. Quite possibly hammered. And we all laughed about Cookie Monster and he became our God and ALL HAIL COOKIE. We also decided that Mark Wahlberg is impossibly hot without a shirt on, and also right up there with the Cookie Monster, and now Matt is scared because on my desk is a sticky note where he's actually written "Mark Wahlberg" - probably to Google him and see what my drunken self was giggling about.

Don't worry honey, he's married. Besides, you're hotter.

How excitement!

2010-04-25T19:15:00.003+10:00

I have my manicure exam next week. I'm gonna nail it - pardon the pun. Then I get to start playing with acrylics, and I'm gonna rock those, too. The more of this course I do, the more I'm enjoying it, and the more I can see myself making a living from it. It's awesome!

I walked away from my contract on Friday. They found a replacement pretty quickly. They got me a farewell cake, which was nice, especially since I'd only been there 6 weeks.
People are going to think I'm crazy for giving up a government job, but I've done what's right for me in the long run.
The agency's put me forward for another temp contract about half an hour away. I was supposed to find out on Friday if I've got it or not, but now I won't know until after the long weekend. If I don't get it, I'm not fussed. I'm actually looking forward to the prospect of having a week off.

I'm not scared at all about working for myself. I know it's going to be a big ask, but once I get to an accountant and find out how much I should withhold for taxes etc, and super, I'll be fine. I'm not stupid, after all! It's a little all-consuming at the moment...

Much to the delight of my trainer when I inform her, I'm back to doing C25K. I started at Week 2 - over the past couple of months I can feel that my fitness level has soared. My shins were a little sore towards the end, but nothing unmanageable. I'm dead set on doing this 5K in August. My trainer reckons I can do the 10K, but I'll train for the 5 and see how I feel. My diet could be a little better... I'm constantly craving pizza. Not good, but I do have mini pizza bases at home, I could probably come up with some healthier alternatives for toppings. I've decided to tackle the food issue one day at a time instead of looking at the big picture. Focus on one day at a time, and make things easier.

Speaking of food, Matt and I are absolutely sick to death of meat. It's like dinner isn't a meal without some meat slapped on the side. We eat chicken until we're about to grow wings, and then switch to beef. Back and forward it goes... I've decided I'm going to start looking for healthy, quick vegetarian meals to try. Even just one night a week to start, and who knows, we might actually like it!

I've decided I'm going to get a tattoo - massive for someone who really didn't care that much for them. I'm going to make myself earn it. When I lose my first 10kg, I'll book it. It's already designed, and I know where I'm getting it. Oh, and I'm halfway there on those 10kg! A few people have commented, which is nice. I can't see or feel a difference, but I must be doing something right!
(And getting a tattoo should distract me from getting another piercing, right?! Because I'm starting to want another one of those now, and I really don't want any more in my face or ears, which is making me start to contemplate other areas...)

The Big Move.

2010-04-17T17:34:00.003+10:00

I had a meeting with my supervisor at work yesterday. She had some concerns about my performance. We had a good conversation, back and forth about expectations and the like.

And then I told her I didn't want a permanent job, and that I was happy to stay on until she finds a replacement. I think she was a bit shocked...

But now I've done it. I've taken that first step towards self-employment.

I - yes, I - am going to work for myself. Be my own boss. Make my own terms, hours, and money.

Saying that I want to be let out of my contract was the first step. The first of many, big, scary steps. I feel relief, to be honest.

The plan is to go back to my agency and ask for part-time work, no more than 3 days a week. I've done the sums, and working part-time will cover my expenses. I'll need to make a strict budget, and stick to it, which will be fine. That leaves me a couple of days a week to start preparing - finding a good accountant, getting myself an ABN and sorting out my books.

I'm so damn excited. Scared, but excited.

Damn eye.

2010-04-11T16:56:00.002+10:00

My microwave is about to kick the bucket. I've been making candles, see, and I use the microwave to melt the wax - it's easier than doing it on the stove.

I was melting palm wax to make pillar candles when my microwave cut out after 12 minutes. Luckily, the wax had melted and reached the temperature I required, so I pretended that the microwave was fine. I just unplugged it, and pondered how to tell Matt without too much of a scene.

After dinner, I plugged the microwave back in out of curiosity, and it was fine.

Strange.

Two days later, I was melting more wax, and it cut out again. Again, at around the 12 minute mark. This time the wax wasn't ready and I made one hell of a mess trying to transfer it to something else to finish melting it.

This was when I figured I needed a new microwave.

Of course, I should have known - because the Evil Eye Twitch of Impending Death had returned, albiet faintly, a few days before, just like when the washing machine died. The last two occasions my eye has twitched it's been appliances, not people, that have met their end... but that isn't reassuring.

So I've gone out and bought another microwave. The old one is sitting in my craft/computer room - it should be okay for melting soy wax, which melts at a much lower temperature than the palm wax, and should it decide to follow the washing machine, it's already been replaced.

Technologically Sweetened.

2010-04-11T09:43:00.007+10:00

Yesterday, I got an iPhone. Me loves. Me spend mucho time Facebooking on it - not so good.

I also got talked into getting a Twitter account, see button on the right. After setting up my account I got to meet the Fail Whale. He's pretty cute, no?

I'm still trying to figure out my new camera, too. Lots of settings and stuff that I'm not sure how to use... but there's plenty of time to practice!

*****

In other news, Matt told me last night that he will repaint my car soon - hooray!
For those who may not have seen my car, this is how it looked a couple of years ago after it was first resprayed:

Unfortunately, since Matt chose the windiest day EVER to paint, only one coat of purple made it onto the car. Now it's all patchy and faded, and generally gross. It's really needed doing for awhile - but you just can't rush these things apparently. I think I'm going to choose a slightly darker shade of purple this time, and fingers crossed it doesn't blow a gale when the painting day arrives!
(Truth be told, I am rather looking forward to driving around in a car that has a good paint job... I'm sick of being stared at for all the WRONG reasons, ya know?)

Things Others Love & I Just Don't Get It

2010-04-07T18:49:00.005+10:00

I forget where I saw this posted, but I liked the idea. A list of things that people the world over love, and I just don't like it/get it.
My list:

George Clooney

Crocs

Quentin Tarantino movies

Twitter (maybe I need educating?)

Sex & the City

Fruit

Peas

The Twilight movies

Short shorts

The short short and jumper/cardi combo. Seriously, if it's cold enough to put a long sleeve top on, maybe you should consider some fucking PANTS?!

Skinny jeans

Oprah

All coffee/tea. Yes, that includes herbals.

Facial hair on men

Brad Pitt

Full QUERTY keypads on mobile phones

Peanut butter

New beginning?

2010-04-06T19:38:00.003+10:00

This is something I've been thinking about doing for awhile.

Actually, I tried something like this before. I paid for a domain name, found someone willing to host me, and I thought that was that. Except I never used the blog, because I never got it set up how I wanted it, and never got any answers or help from my host.

Truth be told, I feel like I've grown up a hell of a lot in the past twelve months. The name I was blogging under just didn't seem to fit anymore, despite it actually being my name. I wanted something a little more... chic. More grown up. More reflective of the new me.

So here I am. If you've followed me, thank you. If you've just found me, welcome.

The name may have changed, but I'm sure there'll be just as much mayhem!

Uncertainty

2010-04-04T08:39:00.000+10:00

I should be enjoying this weekend. I am, but not as much as I should.

I'm stressing about work. And whether it's working. I did get some positive feedback from my agency this week, but then I got some not so positive feedback directly on Thursday afternoon. I'm still trying to figure out a routine and make the job mine - yes, it's a contract, but it's a long contract. The feedback was that my routine isn't working.

If this falls through, I wouldn't be devastated. I'd be pissed off about having to find more temp work to keep me going, but I'd be okay.

The course is my light at the end of the tunnel. I've always had it in the back of my mind that I want to work for myself. I want to call the shots - it's not that I don't like authority, it's more that I want that independence, that flexibility. Now I'm studying, it seems almost within reach. It excites me. It's giving me options. I can see myself now, working in a salon. I think that's part of my problem. My long-awaited course is in progress and I can see the possibilities.

My "bread and butter" job? Not as exciting as it used to be. And I'm still learning it, three weeks after jumping contracts - this accounts job is so much more in-depth than my last, and I went into this contract thinking I'd have it down pat in a few days. I underestimated it. I'm doing my best to make it work, to pick things up as quickly as I can. Sometimes I think I'm not doing too badly, and other times I wonder just what I've gotten myself into.

I guess I just have to make do with the cards I'm holding at the moment. I wonder how good my poker face is?

The irony - this time last year, I was sitting around lamenting that I'd done 'nothing' with my life so far. Fast forward 12 months, and I'm juggling!

Broke But Stylish.

2010-04-03T01:00:00.000+10:00

I checked my bank account yesterday, and nearly fell off my chair. Just where did all my money go? What happened to that nice buffer I had from not spending my full pay each week?

Shopping. That's what happened.

My favourite clothing store had sales on - AGAIN - and I went a little crazy. Crazy, as in - MY WARDROBE IS ALREADY FULL OF STUFF THAT I DON'T REMEMBER BUYING, LET ALONE WEARING, BUT SINCE EVERYTHING IS 30-50% OFF, I'LL SPEND ANOTHER $250 ODD THIS FORTNGHT BUYING MORE STUFF THAT, OH WAIT, DOESN'T FIT IN MY WARDROBE BECAUSE IT ALREADY EXPLODES EVERY TIME I OPEN THE DOOR!!!

Ahem, sorry about the caps. That's just the virtual DiNozzo-style slap up the back of the head I should have given myself a few weeks ago.

On the upside, I got my gorgeous blue trench coat for half price. The trench of AWESOMENESS.

So yes. Clothes. Clothes, clothes everywhere.

I need a cleanout.

Except I have a plastic storage container already bursting at the seams from the last cleanout I had. The one I had and then was all, "oh, I'll list it all on eBay as soon as I get a chance/charge the camera batteries/have a day to myself/need the money." And thus, the great eBay sale of 2010 has yet to take place. But that's okay, because after THIS cleanout, I'll have to do it, right?

And if it wasn't clothes, it was new seat covers for my car. Which, admittedly, were needed. My existing ones are 4 years old and a little threadbare. And if it wasn't car seat covers, it was towels, exfoliant and moisturiser for my mini home salon. All desperately needed stuff, honestly!

Although paying the electricity bill on time is pretty important, because how am I supposed to be able to organise an outfit with all my fantastic new clothes if I can't turn the bloody lights on? Or worse, all my crops on Farmville will shrivel up and die because I can't turn on the computer! Oh, and I wouldn't be able to have a hot shower either, but meh.

Right. Electricity bill. Kinda important. No more clothes, or car stuff, or salon supplies for awhile. No more shopping.

As of Sunday. Tomorrow I'm going to look at a new digital camera that's advertised. I need it, I swear!
(Hey, do you want to see the trench of AWESOMENESS or not?!)

Busy Busy Bee

2010-03-25T05:22:00.000+10:00

I"m nearly a month into my course now. It's good, but tiring. My nails came off last week, and I hate it. I haven't bitten any yet (key word, YET), but that's because I'm constantly repainting them. Yesterday we were brown. Today, purple. Tonight I'm doing my toes - haven't picked a colour yet. Probably pink.
I advertised cheap manicures at work, for practice. I'm charging enough to cover costs, and the experience is good. I've done one manicure so far, and another one is coming up on Friday. More people booked, but they've rescheduled/cancelled/not shown up. I did have one booked for each night this week, and now I'm quite relieved that I don't. I need a break. A full five day week, one day of study and then manicures and housework on weeknights and my only day off is a bit much. I'm looking forward to Easter - four days of doing NOTHING. I don't have to go anywhere since the course isn't on Easter Saturday. I'm going to sleep in, bludge, and maybe spend some time with Matt. Maybe... haha.

This is also my second week in my new job. It's pretty full on. I'm getting there slowly. It's not the sort of job where you can just jump in and know everything. There's lots of things to remember, quirks, names, etc. My new desk is covered in sticky notes. And I mean, COVERED. I'm getting there. The people are nice enough.

My gym challenge is going well. So far I've lost 2.5kg in three weeks. I want it to be more, but I may be being unreasonable with that. I'm aiming for 8kg in the 8 weeks so I can get my massage. Some days I'm going to the gym twice, but I'm mainly focusing on going in the morning. On Monday night I survived 1.5k on the STAIRMASTER. That was after doing 1.5k on the rower, and before 1k on the treadmill. Oh yes. It hurt like a bitch, and I'm pretty sure I had an asthma attack afterwards, but I totally owned it. I'm adjusting to the morning gym visits. Actually, it's nice to get it over and done with, and it does help keep me on track diet wise throughout the day. It's motivating to see that I've burned something like 400 calories and I know damn well breakfast is only going to be 150. It gives me the energy I used to get from drinking that 2 litres of Coke a day. Speaking of that, nearly 3 months soft drink free! Halfway to my goal!

Biting the Bullet, or Biting the Nail, Even.

2010-03-07T20:13:00.000+10:00

As of yesterday, I am officially on my way to become a qualified nail technician.

It was about a 40 minute drive to the college, which I managed without too much hassle. I live in a bubble, see, and that bubble is quite small. Everything I do is within 15-20 minutes drive of home, and if something requires driving outside the bubble, I don't do it. Driving as far as I did was a big deal - but I enjoyed it. I like driving, and that alone time was pretty cool.

Anyway, the course. It was a bit strange sitting in a classroom again after so long, but it didn't feel foreign. Snippets of Year 12 Biology flashed before my eyes as we learnt about the components of the nail itself - did you know that we have not one, but THREE layers of cuticle? Yeah, me neither - and after lunch we began learning the basics of giving a manicure.

Now, this is the bit that soured the day for me. If you were a college, and offering in this case, a Certificate II or even a III in Nail Technology, would it not make sense to you that at least one of the students enrolled would themselves have a set of acrylic or gel nails?

Out of the 6 students in my class, four of us have acrylic nails. Myself included, obviously. I've been getting my nails done on and off for yonks, and the set I have now, I've had for over two years.

If you were the college, and were planning on having your students practice manicures etc on each other, would you not request in advance that students have their acrylic nails removed? You can probably see where I'm going with this...

I enrolled thinking that we would be practising on either plastic hands, or people willing to be guinea pigs. The thought of having my own hands done didn't even cross my mind - I was the one that was doing the services, not receiving them.

Us students were informed yesterday (after they realised that two thirds of the class had acrylic nails), that they would either need to be removed by the next class, or we would have to bring a friend so that everyone could have a turn practising. Poor planning and foresight, in my opinion.

I am the one who paid upfront for this course, and therefore I am prepared to travel the distance to participate. It is not fair for me to request that a friend of mine, who has nothing to do with my education, give up half of their Saturday, and travel the distance I have to, so I can practice on them and keep my own nails. That would be rude and selfish of me. Therefore, I need to bite the bullet and get my nails taken off. And to be honest with you, I really, really, REALLY don't want to. I know it's stupid, but hey, having my nails done is just me. Part of who I am. Also, I only got them done last weekend, and if I had been notified in advance, I would have had them taken off then, instead of paying $50 for a refill that needs to come off barely a week later.

The course is good, I've learnt lots, and there's lots more to learn. But I'm just shitty that this was sprung on me at the last minute. I would have had a bit of a grumble anyway, but at least I would have had fair warning and I would have understood the reasoning behind it.

And I'll tell you now, as soon as the course is done, and everyone's finished practising on me, I'm going straight back to my own nail tech so she can reverse the damage of 4 months practice and put my nails back on how they were!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to study up for my first text next weekend...

Vagueness

2010-03-05T04:59:00.000+10:00

A few things to get off my chest...

You said that you're going to owe me big time for this, and I played along, but really, I've got my reward now. Hanging out with you again is going to be awesome.

I'm going to miss working with you. The banter and laughs have helped make the last few months a little easier for me.

Thank you for being a sounding board. It's been great getting to know you and learning that no matter what, it always works out, even if it's the last thing you planned on doing.

Your incessant belching and brashness is driving me insane.

No, I haven't broken your thermometer! And yes, you are my favourite, but I'm not going to tell you because having you suck up to me is hilarious.

I got what you wanted for yourself. Sucks to be you, doesn't it?

You are the best gift I ever could have dreamt of. Just stop destroying the furniture!

I'm really, really grateful that you're giving me this opportunity - it's something I've always had in mind for myself, and I'm going to do my damnedest to not let either of us down.

The fact that you believe in me, even when I don't believe in myself at times, is truly amazing. You are a beautiful person, and I hope you get your wish this year. You deserve it.

Don't contact me again. I know what you did, even if it was all those years ago. Be thankful I don't hunt you down and make you pay for it.

You're like a sister to me, and you know it. We're going to grow old together and look back and laugh at all the crazy shit we've done. I can see it.

I really hope you support me in this. I have my doubts, and I shouldn't have them - so please, PLEASE, prove me wrong.

It's All About Me - And It's About Time, Too.

2010-03-01T07:47:00.000+10:00

This year, I have vowed to go after everything I wanted. So far, it's working for me.

Work wise, I'm still contracting, but in two weeks I'm transferring to a department in which I have experience. They've given me a 12 month contract, as opposed to the usual 3 months, and they are wanting someone who is willing to fill the role permanently - which I am. It's not a position I went for; rather, they approached me. And since lately I'm all about "going for it" - I did.

My nail course starts this coming Saturday, the 6th, and I am mega excited. A little nervous, but I think that's more nerves about the long drive than the course itself. I only travel in small circles, see, and for me to drive an hour down the coast for this course? It's kind of a big deal. I did a test run last weekend with Matt, and we made it there and back in one piece. I'm a little sad about giving up my Saturdays for 18 weeks straight, but it's definitely going to be worth it.

My gym is holding an 8 week weight loss challenge which starts tomorrow. I can't believe tomorrow is the FIRST of MARCH. What the hell happened to January and February?! The year is already one sixth gone... it's ridiculous. Anyway, the gym challenge. I've been fighting with my weight for years, and I am just so damn tired of being trapped in this body. I'm uncomfortable, tired, and just plain fed up with myself. This challenge is it for me. It's the kick up the arse I'm so desperately needing. My trainer has struck a deal with me: if I lose 8kg in those 8 weeks, she is going to treat me to a massage out of her own pocket. If I lose more than those 8kg, she's going to throw in a pedicure AND a facial as well. She wants me to do it just as much as I do! I just need to focus, be outright selfish if I need to be, and get in there and do it. I can do it, I just need to prove it to myself, and keep on telling myself that I'm worth it. That's my biggest problem; not believing that I am worth it.

In preparation for the next 8 weeks, and getting into '"I'm worth it!" mode, I had a full on girly pamper-fest tonight. All the stuff I should be doing for myself and don't, I did it. I'm quite slack, I'm sure I'm going to pay for it in my old age... So all in one hit, I:

Put a toner through my hair (the downside of bleaching, it can start going yellow)

Started my tooth whitening treatment

Cleansed and toned my face, put on a clay mask, and then moisturised

Defuzzed all necessary areas

Gave my body a once over with a scrub... trying to get rid of the blasted sunburn peel

Moisturised, including using the gradual self-tan moisturiser on my albino legs

Cleaned my new piercing - oh, didn't I tell you about this? Say hello to my newly pierced tragus:
(No, it didn't hurt, and it was done so quick I wouldn't have had time to complain if it had... it's also itchy already which is a very good sign!)

All that girly stuff is a lot of work, but I'm worth it.

This year still promises to be totally kick-arse. Yay!

My Weekend Rules

2010-02-21T08:41:00.000+10:00

I'm sitting here listening to bad karaoke which is being amplified from streets and streets away. Right now the entire suburb is being treated a murderous, cat screeching rendition of Natalie Imbruglia's Torn.

I'm looking at the self-tanning moisturiser on my desk and thinking about putting it to use on my legs. The irony would be applying self tan to my legs when my entire top half looks like it's been deep-fried. I'm crispy - but not in the appetising beer battered chips kind of way. My boobs are on fire, which is to be expected when you sit your fair-skinned, singlet-clad self outside for 9 hours straight because you're going to your very first concert (Paramore!!!) and you want to be able to see them, damnit.

My favourite photo of last night's gig:

Awesome photo taking skillz, I has not; rather, this is the flukiest shot I think I've ever taken. My voice held out all night, which was a miracle for someone with a throat infection who was singing and screaming at full volume for roughly three hours. I'm a little disappointed, actually. I had myself all worked up ready to squeak my way through the weekend, and I don't have to.

(I don't need to squeak, the new karaoke singer is doing a brilliant job of that all on his own at the moment...)

I've taken enough photos to do a mini-scrapbook to depict my "concert deflowering" - and yes, I bought a shirt. How the hell could I NOT buy a shirt from my first gig?!

I'm overtired, as I only slept 6 hours before my blazing bosoms awoke me. For someone who needs 8-10 hours just to function, I'm feeling it. Unfortunately for me, being a stomach sleeper, the next week is going to be filled with painful nights.

(OH GOD - now some chick is singing "What About Me" - what about you? You sound FUCKING TERRIBLE!!!!!!! If this karaoke doesn't end soon, tonight is going to be even more painful that I'd anticipated.)

It was so worth it though - hanging with my BFF, trying to pull off stupid newspaper hats - OH YES WE DID! - seeing an awesome band, having Maccas for dinner at 11pm, and collapsing into bed in an exhausted, flaming heap. Totally worth it.

Positivity

2010-02-09T07:33:00.000+10:00

So, what's new in Kellyland...

Had my first ever massage on Saturday morning. Quite possibly The. Best. Thing. I have ever done. An hour of awesomeness, all about me. I was a little wary of stripping down and getting on the table, but once the massage started... ooohhhh... I didn't get the girl's name, but I got the card, so I'm going to ring back and ask who she was so that I can ask for her again! She was great to talk to, not too chatty, the balance was just right. I woke up that morning feeling quite nauseous with a thumping sinus headache. I got given a heat pack before my massage - Matt had a 30 minute massage before me - and I was lucky enough to also score a bonus face and scalp massage which killed the last of my headache. Definitely one of those things that had me thinking "WHY have I not tried this before now?!"

Work wise, things are a little up in the air. For good reasons, not bad. I won't go into it for now, as I don't know who visits. If things work out how they currently plan to, it will be good for me. The worst part is waiting!

Only a couple more weeks until my nail course starts, and I'm getting a bit nervous, but very excited. It will be a great feeling to be studying again, even if it's not in the traditional sense. My own nail technician has said that she needs someone else to come in and help her out. She has asked me if I'd be interested (woot!) and at my appointment on Saturday we discussed how things could work. The best part, I get to practice on her, then progress to working with her part time, CASH IN HAND. And from what she told me, if I work Saturday and 1-2 nights a week, I could almost match what I'm earning in my 38-hour week. Yowza.

So that's about it for now... until something else semi-exciting pops up...

Doubts

2010-01-28T07:45:00.000+10:00

At the moment I'm feeling like I'm not in control of things. Since my last job wrapped up in November, my weight's jumped up 5kg, I'm moody and down all the time, and I just feel off. I don't feel myself. I admit that I'm having trouble with my current job. It's taken up until last week to even get some training - 9 weeks in - and I'm not feeling comfortable. I don't fit in.

I'm starting to doubt myself and whether I can turn this around. The job situation I'm going to have to live with for now, the bills need to be paid, and I can choose not to stay on if I'm asked to come time for the contract to be renewed. That's a bonus about being on a contract, I guess. There are lots of downsides too, like not having job security or leave entitlements. Or feeling like you belong somewhere. I miss my friends. I miss being able to work autonomously without having to constantly stop and ask questions.

As for the weight, well, food is my drug of choice. I'm using it to comfort myself, as always. Right now, when I make an effort to eat better, I purposely sabotage it. I don't even pretend that I'm going to stick to plan. Like today - I had no reason to go out at lunchtime. I even made myself a nice salad. But no, I went out for nothing in particular and then decided to get something to eat as well.

January hasn't been good to me. Actually, that's a lie. I haven't been good to myself.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm going to make the best of it. I need to do it. I can't keep on like this forever.

Tuffy Love

2010-01-27T05:30:00.000+10:00

For a little while now, Mum's been half-heartedly considering a little dog. She did say, as did I, that when Snuggles passed away, we wouldn't get another dog. Quite often we talk about him, and all the antics that he used to get up to. We agreed that we miss him more as time goes by.

With all the medication Dad's on, he sleeps a lot. I mean, A LOT. As in, he sleeps all night, gets up in the morning, maybe watch tv for an hour or two, then fall asleep in his chair. Then he'll go and lay on the bed and sleep for another 3-4 hours, before finally getting up having dinner, watching some more tv, and then go back to bed and sleep all night again. Mum gets lonely - it's totally understandable.
(Dad has since copped a serve about sleeping TOO much - in essence sleeping both their lives away, and he's a bit better with it now. He won't lay on the bed during the day anymore!)

So Mum gets lonely. She volunteers at the Salvation Army; the welfare centre down the road. During December and January it's 5 days a week, but normally it's just one day. I think this is when she started thinking about another dog. Most days it's like living alone with the amount of time Dad sleeps!

Then Mum's best friend got a new puppy for Christmas - and she was jealous. Mega jealous.

This is when I made up my mind - I was going to find Mum a puppy for her birthday. Prerequisites were that it had to be a small dog with short hair. So on Sunday, Matt and I started looking. We went to a pet shop. They had an adorable Pomeranian/Papillion cross puppy, exactly the same breed as Snugs was - but this puppy was $900. OUCH.

Bearing in mind that Mum's birthday is the end of February, I wasn't intending to get one straightaway. I just wanted to have a look to see what was out there, and maybe see what would be coming in soon. That was when Matt suggested a trip to the RSPCA. So off we went. Just looking, we said. And we found one poor little puppy, a Chihuahua/Jack Russell cross. He was eight months old, and looked pretty cute. We filled out a form, went into his pen, and played with him for a few minutes. I told Matt that Mum would like this puppy.

We left, as once we said we were looking for a puppy for someone else, they wanted to meet the prospective owner. We had some lunch - and I rang Mum and said we were coming to pick her up... and had to admit that we were bringing her to look at a puppy. (Can't get anything past my mum... seriously.)

We came back with Mum. She got a bit upset saying she felt guilty for thinking about replacing Snuggles. There is no way that Snugs could ever be replaced.
(Matt said she's replacing me instead, since I've moved out of home and all.)
She met the puppy, had a bit of a play, and, well...

Here he is. Meet Tuffy:

We didn't pick the name, it was given to him by his previous owner who also surrendered his brother, apparently named Scruffy. The RSPCA told us his previous owner had gotten very ill and couldn't take care of him. They also told us that he was very timid and didn't like strange people, and kids were probably a no-no.

I feel good for adopting him for Mum, and knowing that I've made a difference for this little guy instead of picking something in a pet shop.

He's very loving - but we have a feeling that he was mistreated. He will come if you call him, but he will only come to you from the side, not front on. If you reach down to pat him, he cowers a bit until he trusts you. He's constantly wanting food too - although I'm not sure if that's just a puppy thing. Bearing that in mind, he's a great dog, and already house trained!

Mum's falling in love with him, and Dad's pretending to ignore him - although I did see him throw a couple of Maccas chips on the floor to him!

It does feel strange to me seeing this little dude running around, he is on Snug's stomping ground after all. But I've done good. And Mum got her present a month early, that's all!

My new found determination, or my resolve to be the most stubborn bitch to walk the earth.

2010-01-19T06:53:00.000+10:00

It's been roughly two weeks since I gave up the soft drink. I was hoping I'd be over the cravings by now, but OH GOD, GIVE ME A CAN OF COKE AND SLAP ME HAPPY, I'm not. I want it. I want it BAD. Matt is also struggling, which is only making me feel a little better. I'd be laughing my ass off at him if I wasn't in the same boat. Oh yes, we're in the boat, up the creek, without a tasty, caffienated, fizzy beverage to reward us for getting up there without our paddle.

The irony of it all is, we've both gone without before, and weren't phased. This time, we can't handle it. Damnit.

In other news - I have a new dining suite:

It's awesome. And smaller than our previous table. And doesn't need a tablecloth. Oh, and it only cost me $250.

I also have an announcement to make. I briefly touched on it when compiling my 2010 List, but haven't gone into too much detail. After deciding that I need to make myself accountable, I'm putting it out there.

I have committed myself to doing the Bridge to Brisbane in August. The 4.5km race, not the 12km. And I'm aiming for my ultimate goal, to run at least HALF of it. I'm not a runner. Hell, I couldn't even really say I was a walker. But I've decided I'm just going to get off my butt and do it. This month I'm working on getting up to, and maintaining, 10,000 steps a day. I'm doing pretty well at the moment, my average is just over 9,000 steps a day, so I just need to keep plodding along for the next 12 days. In February I'm going to start the Couch to 5K program. I've tried to do it before, but this time will be different. I've told my trainer I'm doing it - and it's her job to nag me to death about it. I know I'll do it if I have to answer to her. The program is set out over 9 weeks, but my trainer has suggested aiming for 12. Then I'll have a few months to work on speed, and then I'll be just about ready for the run. I'm shitting myself, but I need to prove to myself that I can do this!

The above all ties in nicely to my unofficial matra for this year - no holding back! If I want to do it, I'll find a way.

Withdrawal!!!

2010-01-11T05:15:00.000+10:00

The house is now officially void of soft drink. It has been for a few days.

I am struggling. I really want even just ONE glass of coke!

It's no good for me, I know. After hearing all the different ways coke is used - a colleague said she uses it as a head lice treatment on her kids! - it makes me wonder what it does to your insides... but I still want to drink it! I'm an idiot... I stopped drinking it for about 6 weeks solid last year, and then starting having the odd glass with dinner, which then snowballed, as it does.

Considering that coke is also my only source of caffiene as I am a non-coffee drinker, maybe that's why I'm finding it extra hard.

Matt is taunting me, waiting for me to crack. I've already made the bet with him though, and I'm too stubborn to give in! I will NOT be the first to give in to the urge, I refuse to let him win, even if it kills me! (And at this stage, it could be a possibility.)

I am drinking only water, milk, and the odd glass of sugar free mineral water with some ice.

I will survive! And I'm going to win this damn bet... although 6 months seems a long way off!

Shiny Happy Person

2010-01-03T05:22:00.000+10:00

We're two days into 2010 - and both days have been sunny. It's been nice, considering it's been raining for the last week or so. I'd like to think it's more than a coincidence.

I've almost caught up with all the washing. We have a dryer, but I don't like using it. Clothes and towels just feel so much fresher when they've been dried outside in the fresh air.

My cooking skills are set to improve also. I've started a program (it's not a diet, okay?) which requires a lot of food preparation. I'm bound to get better in the kitchen! Right now I have a pizza base in the oven - I made it from scratch, yay - and when it's ready I can add the toppings. I made it on New Year's Eve and even Matt was impressed!

Speaking of Matt, he has decided to do two things this year - give up drinking alcohol and soft drink. Neither of us are big drinkers alcohol wise, which is good. It's pretty funny that we each decided separately on the soft drink, though. We've struck up an agreement where we will finish off what soft drink is in the house, and once it's gone, we won't replace it. I'm enjoying the last few days of my Coke and lemonade... I'm going to miss it, but I'll be better off without it!

Off to finish making this pizza before I burn it!

The year where I will rule the world.

2010-01-01T22:35:00.000+10:00

The new year has arrived.

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. (As well as suprisingly NOT hungover, considering last night I drank enough Fruit Tingles to empty a 2 litre bottle of lemonade!) I've got a few big things planned for this year.

I'm going to be studying. Doing nails is something that I've thought about on and off for a couple of years. It's something that interests me, but something I never investigated.
When my redundancy was announced last year, I decided to go for it. I've got nothing to lose, really. I get a qualification out of it. Doing the course opens up a chance to change careers and even work for myself, which is something I would love to do.

There are a couple of other things that I'm hoping to kick ass at this year - staying debt free (unless I suddenly decide to buy a house, which I can't see happening!), finally kicking my soft-drink habit, and being organised. Being organised is a bit of a broad one, including things like making cards and gifts well in advance, keeping a diary with appointments and the like, and working out and sticking to a budget.

I haven't set myself a massive list to do - what I have picked, I know I can get done if I apply myself. That's what it's all about this year folks, applying myself. Last year, in hindsight, was a bit too much sitting around letting the world go by - this year I'm going out to conquer it!

So here it is: My List for 2010. If you want to see how I'm doing during the course of this year, you'll find it under the page "What's She Doing?"

2009 - The year that was

2009-12-31T03:27:00.000+10:00

After seeing that the lovely Alyndabear and Katie have already done their years in review, I thought I'd do mine too.
This is now the fourth time I have done yearly reviews. If you're curious, here's 2006, 2007 and 2008.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Moved out of home, got made redundant, and completed an 8 week boot camp, to name a few. I do believe that 2009 was also the year that I experienced my first hangover.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't do too badly. There were a few things that I would have liked to do but couldn't due to unforseeable circumstances. I'm nearly finished working out what I want to do next!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My cousin and his wife had baby #3 in February. He's gorgeous!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Matt's mum passed away from an inoperable brain tumour in August - three months after diagnosis.

5. What countries did you visit? We had plans to visit the South Pacific, but unfortunately didn't make it due to Matt's mum falling ill. So, none.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? More faith in myself.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 27th: Matt's mum passed. November 6th: my last day at work before being made redundant.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Matt's mum was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour, I moved out of home, and I got told I was being made redundant, all in a 6 week period. My achievement? Not falling into a screaming heap like I wanted to.

9. What was your biggest failure? Getting too comfortable with where I was in life, I guess. Not expecting the unexpected, perhaps?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I got a whopping migraine and a bout of gastro back in May. I felt like utter shit for a week and a half.

11. What was the best thing you bought? In September and October I did an 8 week boot camp. I was going to chicken out, but I went to every single session. As a reward for finishing it, I bought myself a new iPod nano and had this engraved on the back: "The pain of discipline is far less than the pain of regret."

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Matt's. He's had a rough trot this year, poor thing. But he handled himself better than I thought he would. I think he even surprised himself.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My pathetic brother-in-law who took us for a ride and is now back using speed. (Long story.)

14. Where did most of your money go? Setting up house and keeping the bills paid and mouths fed!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Moving out - it was hard, but very worth it.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Any one of the songs from Paramore's new album Brand New Eyes. Love it all!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
(a) Happier or Sadder? I'm not sure yet. A lot of things happened this year and I'm still trying to sort myself out.
(b) Thinner or Fatter? I put on a few kilos... as I seem to do every year... sigh. It's going to change!
(c) Richer or Poorer? Richer, thanks to the company who decided I was no longer required. I have invested wisely!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I hadn't relied on my job so much for my social outlet. Don't get me wrong, I've made some awesome (hopefully lifelong) friends, but I should have gotten out more. When I lost my job I felt even more stranded than I possibly would have if I'd made the effort.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Putting off the inevitable. Procrastinating doesn't mean it's not going to happen, it means you've got less time to prepare!

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2009? Being our first Christmas out on our own, Matt and I had a barbecue at our house on Christmas Eve. Christmas lunch was with Matt's eldest siblings, and Christmas dinner was with my parents.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? I was already in love, but like everything else this year, there's been ups and downs.

22. How many one-night stands? Never had one.

23. What was your favorite TV program? I enjoyed MasterChef, which wasn't something I thought I'd get into!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don't hate anyone. I may dislike the odd person, but I can't be bothered putting effort into someone that I feel negatively about.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I can't really say I discovered anything new.

27. What did you want and get? A new iPod.

28. What did you want and not get? My first proper holiday.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? Monsters vs Aliens. I love kids movies!

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I worked all day, unfortunately. Then I went out for dinner with Matt and my parents, which was nice. I turned 22 - I've heard it's all downhill from here.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I don't know, to be honest. This was a shitty year, and I don't think anything could have made it more "satisfying".

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? I think I started showing a little more leg this year. I got into wearing dresses.

33. What kept you sane? My friends.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I don't pay much attention.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Watching the inauguration of the new US president. That's history right there.

36. Who did you miss? I miss seeing my parents every day. I don't really have an excuse though, I only moved 2 minutes away!

37. Who was the best new person you met? I need to get out more. I can't even remember if I've met anyone new this year! How sad.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. If you want something bad enough, go for it. An opportunity will present itself.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "And I won't look back 'cause there's no use, it's time to move forward" Paramore - Feeling Sorry

40. What are your resolutions for 2010? The main one is to become a qualified nail technician, and see about going in a different direction career wise. I have a few others, such as trying to become a better cook and running a 5k.

Is It New Years Yet?!

2009-12-29T05:56:00.000+10:00

My Christmas tree and all the associated festive garb is coming down tomorrow.

I'm over it.

Actually, to be over it, one would have to have been into it in the first place - which I wasn't.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day themselves were okay. Matt and I had our first Christmas Eve bbq. Christmas Day was relaxing. I got up at 8am because I was hungry, had some breakfast, and went back to bed. I only got up at 11.50am because we had to go to the in-law's for lunch. Christmas dinner itself was beautiful, as always. Mum did the usual and laid it all out. Roast beef, chicken, pork and all the hot vegetables as well as ham off the bone and lots of salad.
(We don't eat turkey.)

But I wasn't interested. I didn't feel Christmasy. Neither was Matt, which is very understandable considering this was his first Christmas without his mum. We've also had a lot of drama going on with one of Matt's brothers, but that's a very long story. It was hard for him, and for me.

And so I'm more than ready to pack up all the decorations. I felt bad about doing it before New Years, until I visited my parents and learned that Mum had all of her stuff packed away on BOXING DAY. She wasn't into this year, either.

Matt's going back to work tomorrow, so it's the perfect time for me to get it done and get the house organised. I'm also doing it while he's at work because he usually keeps the birdcage where the tree currently sits. I hate having the birds in the house - they make too much mess, and considering Matt told me last week he saw mouse poo in the kitchen, well, the birds definitely aren't coming back in the house. I'm going to put my bar there instead! Once the furniture's moved, conversation over. Does anyone else do this to their partners?

I'm going to leave you with a photo of the present Matt opened from me on Christmas Day. He didn't find it very amusing at all - actually he threw it on the floor where it sat until I put it in his spare room - but if you can't laugh at yourself, then more fool you. (Besides, I, along with everyone else that knows Matt, thinks it's bloody hilarious. And true.)

: The Incredible Sulk.

Twenty-two

2009-12-20T04:11:00.000+10:00

Yesterday was my birthday. It was pretty good.

I did have to work all day - I arrived to find a card and hole-punch confetti on my desk. I'd only mentioned my birthday in passing, and considering I've only been on contract there for five weeks, it was a nice surprise! I didn't work my arse off, but I did what I was needed to do. We all had Red Rooster for lunch, and then I put on my iPod and tried to tune out the fact that I was still working!

After work I headed home and got changed, and then we went and picked up my parents and went out for dinner. It was nice and relaxing, not too loud, and then we chilled out a bit at my parents place before coming home.

Present wise, I got two new charms for my second Pandora from Matt, a stereo from my parents which plays CD's and also directly from my iPod, and a nice bunch of flowers. One of my friends swung by during the day and left a card and a small present in my letterbox. I unwrapped my present and found this little guy:

His name is Aka-Oni, and he is a Watchover Voodoo Doll. His little card says he is to help "kickstart your life, give you courage and confidence to get things done".
I think he's gorgeous! I love little quirky things like this guy... right now he's hanging off my handbag.

This time next week, Christmas will be done and dusted for another year! Tomorrow I have to do some grocery shopping and pick up the last bits and pieces we need for our Christmas Eve barbecue. All my presents are bought, I just need to wrap them and put them under the tree. I'm looking forward to a nice, quiet Christmas and a week and a bit off work!